Things not discussed

So I have read some of these posts and while I feel and have felt some or even most of these things, I also felt a huge survival instinct.   I  felt strange and terrible at the same time, so I am going to share my story for someone who has or is experiencing this same thing after the death of their spouse.  This is not easy but after talking to another widow, I have found that my reaction was not that odd after all.

There came a point after my husband's death that I got tired of the hurt, pain, tears, and fear.  The tiredness and just going through the motions. So I literally visualized a chest in my mind and just started shoving every bit of those emotions into it. Then I visualized closing the lid and folding it into a cube and shoving it into a dark corner of my mind with a do not open sign on it.   This was 3 months after his death.  It worked for me.  I felt nothing. I had no fear and still don't.  I can do things I was once scared of.  I do not think this was the right thing to do but I was able to start functioning again. Started mechanically going through things almost like a workaholic.   It came to a point where I needed to feel again,  like natural feelings,  day to day stuff.  So I started feeling like I needed sex.  I found a man that helped me through this stage.  We only had sex, literally nothing more.  I wanted no softness at all.  I actually needed pain to feel the euphoria that came from the act.  Was this good? No.  But luckily I did meet a man that knew how far to take things without damage.  It was the only way I felt joy. It became almost a drug to me.  When the time was right he helped me to move from that realm of my life.  We did have long discussions where he listened about my husband.   As I said I got very lucky in this.  The widow I talked to said she went through different men and situations to fill that need for connection and to feel something. 

I am in another relationship now.  It has been almost a year and a half since my husband's death.   This man is showing me how to accept softness and gentleness again.  He does sometimes remind me of my husband and that chest will open a crack and I will break down.  Luckily he allows me to discuss my feelings and my memories that come up, when they arise and will actually discuss his experiences with divorce as well. I am also very honest with him in saying that I am not ready for a forever relationship.   That I really enjoy his friendship and yes the sex, but the words girlfriend/boyfriend scare me to no end and makes me want to pull back.  I'm pretty sure I'm not doing things by the usual standards of  life after the death of your spouse but it's how I have to deal with things.  Will I finally allow myself to feel normal day to day things? Yes.  I know this.  The two men in my life have and are helping me to go through the difficult stages.   The hard part of being with the current guy is not falling backwards to the unemotional thing I had with the first guy.  Mainly because I know he's still there and it's so much easier to feel nothing than to allow these feelings to start happening.  

If, like me, this is your coping mechanism, take the time to find that one lover you need that will help you through this. I'm not condoning it but from my experience it is a very overwhelming need that few will understand.  And you will feel horrible when you start to feel life again but if the person(singular) is actually a good person, you want feel bad for long.  You will actually be thankful to them for keeping your confidence and secrets. And will treat you kindly even after you are through. I am hoping when /if this next relationship ends that we will also end amicably and as friends.   

I have found that people go through different things and emotional experiences after the death of a loved one.  This was definitely the case for me.  Until I talked to this lady, I felt ashamed after I started feeling more.  I have to say for me this took about 6 months from start to finish.   I still have a problem feeling things to a certain degree.  I don't know if I can actually fall in love again but I hope through my self therapy (however odd it is) that I can once more.  I do realize I have a ways to go.  After this current relationship,  I am going to try no sex though. This thought really makes  me cringe right now but I'll be okay as will you. Just if you are experiencing this, or to some degree, stay honest with your partner.   Let them know up front this is where you are at and set the perimeters of what you want and discuss their's too.  This is a true phase some of us go through just try to do it smartly.  Don't bounce from partner to partner. That road only leads to a very horrible feeling later, as stated from my friend. I am very glad I had her to talk to as I felt like a horrible person for needing this after the death of my husband.   If you are experiencing this need then know you are not alone, just definitely think and choose your partner for this carefully.   I approached the first guy on my own and laid it out after a few discussions of if he'd be interested.   He actually gave off vibes that somehow let me know he'd be able to help me with my needs. And the second guy, I was already talking to and working out together with. So when the one relationship ended , I'm not going to lie, I started working on it with him.  This one I knew would have serious emotional side effects though, so I was a little leery of this one.   Sometimes, as I said, I really want to hang up the emotional stuff and jump back to the unemotional,  pure feeling fling but I refuse to go backwards.  I see this as more stepping stones to a more balanced me.  Do I sometimes feel cold? Very much so. But with the right partners,  I feel they are helping me grow stronger and more independent. I also hope in some way I am helping them as well  by having honest discussions with them.  Oddly enough, I have found that this is actually a bit rare in today's age. 

I know it is odd but there it is.

Good luck to you in however you go through life after the death of your spouse.