Things My Father Says Part 4
"I never want to see you again." Those were his words, so there it is. It's a strange feeling. I mean, he's said this to me before, but this time there was a sense of finality, like I would never speak to him again. It's hard to put into words.
So, how do I feel? Like the last day of a war that's been declared over. I've been fighting in this one for 57 years. I used to dream of escape when I was a child. I thought I'd grow up, get a job and finally be free of him. Then I discovered that my prison was not made of brick and mortar. I was living in a prison of the mind. He held me captive first with threats to my mother. And then it was fear of what would happen to others if I left.
And now....I don't know. I feel utterly destroyed by this man. I question myself, my mother, my Father, but there are no answers.
So, how do I feel? Like the last day of a war that's been declared over. I've been fighting in this one for 57 years. I used to dream of escape when I was a child. I thought I'd grow up, get a job and finally be free of him. Then I discovered that my prison was not made of brick and mortar. I was living in a prison of the mind. He held me captive first with threats to my mother. And then it was fear of what would happen to others if I left.
And now....I don't know. I feel utterly destroyed by this man. I question myself, my mother, my Father, but there are no answers.
Replies
UGGH! I feel for you and wish I didn\'t understand what you are going through. I went through it with my father too. I know it doesn\'t help right this minute but it probably won\'t be long till he is bad enough to be ruled incompetent.
It is a awful place to be in. Is there a professional person to talk to and help you in this very difficult situation. You can not deal with your dad anymore.
My dear you need to find a way to have him put into a home.. OR maybe get assistance in his home so you can have support on what is going on... They will notice real quick. I know it is difficult but you can not take it personal.. He is living in another world... You can join it or get frustrated trying to get him to look at reality.. IT will not happen.. You are the only one that can make yourself happy or sad.. It is your choice.... It is all in how you respond to his behaviors.. I am not saying it is easy but IT can be done.. Dear heart you are worth it and the effort will be well worth your peace of mind. Constantly affirm the positive that you want... Not what is happening... Keep affirming even while it seems to fall apart it will happen what you are affirming.. You get your wants or your don\'t wants.. So talk about your wants.. How your relationship with your father is good and more relaxed, It is a pleasure to visit.. etc etc... fI know it sounds crazy but it does work... Another thing I always found helpful for me was to go into the bathroom (private) and mentally spit into their face. A real gut wrenching spit... Until you get that anger out... It does help.. And forgive him.. This is not for him but for you... You can say I forgive and release you to be who you are and who you are not. and I forgive and release myself to be who I am and I am not. It helps... It is not send to him but, about him... Forgiveness is for you.... Not him.. Please take care of yourself... It is very personal when it is our family (parent) so it is difficult but I know you can do this because the Lord only gives us what we can handle... My prayers are with you..
I think it is time he was put in a Senior Living Facility. He will get the help he needs there.