Things I Do Wrong

*Thinking/dreaming about violence (intrusive thoughts)*Researching trauma over and over*Analyzing situations and "possible" situations and what I can/should/would probably do if it happens*Preparing myself mentally for another attack, over and over*Being too introverted and scared of people*Either staying completely away from people/strangers (they might hurt me) or not caring and going with, meeting, taking rides from, seemingly letting down my guard around people/strangers*Always thinking about "what if he 'R' me" or "what if I'm attacked here" or "what if this friend beats and 'R' me" or what if the guy I'm talking to beats me" & etc...*Accepting the fact that it might happen again and/or I might end up in an abusive relationship (and many times "might"  is actually "will") *I don't like men (or really, anybody) touching me (except maybe a hand shake or something innocent that I am aware and prepared for) *If a person touched me, there is more of a chance of me not doing anything at all, than there is of me rebuking them or hitting them or something *I want guys to praise me and charm me.....I want their attention*I wonder if I'm ever going to marry...*I sometimes feel, "if I'm gonna be hurt again, it might as well go on and happen now (I want to go on and get it out of the way)"*I think about would it be easier if I had gone on and gave up and gotten into prostitution...(which is one of the most ugly, embarrassing, and ultimately shameful thoughts I ever had/have)*I tend to question if my worth really is wrapped into my body..........when I lose weight, will I have the option to date...will I be able to get a better relationship than in the past...will guys try to hurt me again, even more...will guys try to take me and make me bend to their desires...or will I be just as unwanted as I am now*I sometimes am so sick of being lonely, that I am glad guys aren't interested in me right now, because I might would turn my head and let them touch, kiss, or whatever, just so I can be with someone...*My self-esteem still isn't where it should be*I still want to restrict and I desperately want to be able to purge*I sometimes wonder if it's all even worth it.......I tried to save myself for the right person, but I was "R"...I didn't give up, and fell in love....I worked so hard to open up and to be a good girlfriend...and he still left me.............I didn't want to give up, so I didn't become a prostitute, I managed to get back into school, I haven't settled for just any guy (even though my ex wasn't the best, and I did settle a little, he still had an overall good/decent personality that I loved)...I pushed and pushed to not give up on life...I didn't start purging and have been struggling to lose weight the healthy way, and I have tried to make myself work, and I've tried to be a good and Godly woman....but at the end of the day, I am still alone and struggling, and I wonder is all the struggle worth it. 
I want to be in a relationship. When will I be able to be in a relationship? Or is sexual and emotional abuse, cheating, neglected and taken for granted, and being left all there is to my love life? If I decide to stop pushing for better, and go for whoever wants to be with me (that I'm at least somewhat attracted to), will I be abused? Will hurt be the only thing love has to offer me? 
I wish it weren't so. I wish things were different :\
*But maybe my biggest wrong is having any expectations at all.....maybe I should just take life as it comes, and hope for the best :\