Things get worse. But first I should finally write what happened

It started when I was 14 the sexual touches that I knew where not on accident but he was my step dad he was the one u called dad the one I would run to when I was little when I scraped my knee. U didn't know what to do so he would pull me over in onto his side of the truck and pull off my clothing I'd freeze to scared to move in fear that he'd get mad or do more then touch. On my 15th birthday we went out to check cattle and that was the first time he full on raped me I don't remember much only that once we got home I couldn't walk right but had to act like nothing happened because he said that if I didn't mom would be hurt and my family would fall apart and I feared for like ever. So I remember going to my room to hide so I could cry it hurt to move. That was the day I started to cut thinking if I cut then the other pain would go away and he would be worried and stop like I started to plead him to do. He didn't he only got more violent with the things he did. And after every time he'd threaten that if I told my family would fall apart. I started to feel like I was cheating on my boyfriend. And one night after my step dad raped me and left the room to me bleeding I couldn't take it no one would believe me even if I did tell and if I did my family would be hurt and Ashtin( bf at time) would know I "cheated" and life would end. I started to wear more layers but he said  that if I kept doing that someone would find out this went on till I was 16 1/2 when I went to bible camp and felt like I should be burning and told my cabin leader and she encouraged me to tell my family saying it would hurt less then my original plan to wait it out till I was 18 then move that day. So I did no one believed me he denied my mom told me how I ruined her life and when she left I was going to stab my self. Only to stop myself and get sent to the mental health hospital for 10 days and then that's when I found out I had a miscarriage by a doctor at child's voice. I spent the summer in Wyoming never telling anyone of the baby. Never talking about it my mom then found a house in Sioux Falls and I moved back in with her. Where things r rocky but At least I have my mom and my counselor Amy who has been my support. Now ur pretty much up to speed and today I get flash backs that leave me crying in class or I'll have a flashback and I feel the pain of the first time. I'm trying to be OK and I hope one day I will but for now my only goal is to keep breathing.
Love,
Tigerlily