things are weird but good :)
hehe.
I had paranoid evening last night. Came home from visiting last night and for some reason
felt paranoid. I got up and started my work day at 4am and just got to work.
It was a good day but I found myself raging on the inside (a little bit from the lingering paranoia
... I was wondering why that was?
Was it that I didn't want to do the work? Whatever it was I was trying to 'quiet the raging' within,
someway, somehow...
I didn't even know how to think about it - I could'nt associate any idea for how to think about it until
I just decided I needed to think about it in terms of the 'raw animal' within.
And to try and sooth it for what it is....later it made me think of this passage from
a Mary Oliver poem:
| You do not have to be good. |
| You do not have to walk on your knees |
| for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. |
| You only have to let the soft animal of your body |
| love what it loves. |
Anyways, I got on with the day - got a lot of work done
and just kept honest about my feelings but also considerate of others. In context.
I did kind of feel like beast - but I was so glad to be in the company of coworkers and
with things to do. The being in consideration of others made this beast 'socialized.'
It came to me that so much of my day I keep wanting to live in association with others
even within my mind so that I know what is what...So I feel somehow knowing what
my thoughts and actions mean...that interests me - it also came to me
that so much of writing these journals aka "digging deep" is a kind of habit
that expresses and vents these raging feelings. It really helps...
I am wary of the biological element - but I can know and cope with a cool calm level head...
that writing in this way is helpful expresion.
Sending peace for a good day! Good vibes, kharma and peace!
Mark
Replies
Paranoia is one of those things that maybe not everyone experiences, but for those who have it’s a delicate balance of learning to live with it and control it to prevent crisis mode. I honestly think talking about it and journaling about it is the most helpful thing.... without someone stopping you to remind you how ´ill’ you are all the time. It’s important to acknowledge and instead of it being a beast maybe it’s a beast that is shadowing over you, externally. Take the pressure off yourself and ‘go with God’ as someone once advised me in a hospital as I first articulated paranoia.
Lighten the load the rest of the day Mark! How are those macaroni portraits coming along haha....
thanks Nikki! I only have spaghetti in the house - will have to work with that haha