Things are surprisingly good
I hope you guys can always remember that dark, really dark, moods may come but they will go as well.
I wrote these notes to my therapist.
Firstly I told her about something I wrote to the elder:
When parishioners have come to me to talk, I have given my best positive and neutral response to help them keep positive, take care of life and keep on their spiritual journey. I am not knowledgeable to give biblical references but I can offer comradery and a gentle shoulder or ear to lean on and listen.
Life in my view is about taking care of life and keeping it going, so my main focus when talking is to help people not focus on the negative (which can seem more definitive and so attractive and easier ) and to keep on taking good care and focus on the positive. I hope this is ok. My personal motto is ‘keep on keeping on’:)
then I wrote:
I know that taking care of myself i(ourselves) is job number one but if I go with that enthusiasm I’m ultimately dragged down into feelings of worthlessness and suicide. I have to be sure to remind myself I’m not worthless and those feelings shouldn’t overcome my consciousness in the movie of my life in my mind. I called Dad and Cristina to say hi. It was nice to hear their voices but inspired loneliness and motivation to create a life.
then:
But again I am dragged down. Just did chores for the sisters and set up chapel. Just keep on keeping on.
then:
I’m feeling really low and I need to just keep doing my duty. It’ll make me feel better and accomplished.
then:
The mood will change. The mood has changed. I’m hanging out in the confessional for a little mental health break (it’s a quiet little office with a skylight off of the main chapel):-)
Then I wrote:
i was at dinner and I was my mind was scattered but I kept thinking about just taking care of things.
I thought about the guy sitting next to me. On one side and then the other and I thought about what part of my own picture was I seeing and not seeing?
I realized each of us is taking care of themselves.
I thought of you and others in my life and I thought about ‘how I am taking care of myself?’
I admire the ways some folks take care of themselves and I thought about doing it for myself.
I had been thinking about some end of self responsibility as being a kind of ideal, but hopefully it is a dynamic that can be appreciated and I will grow to like.
Replies
i'll read the rest of your post in the morning, markus. for now, i need to vent. co-opting in progress.
i've been feeling my light aches in the past week or so. methinks this go-round is allergy related. the seasons are a-changing. a dark room is the first-try fix for my light aches. it works when i work it. if i try to ignore them, those light aches have escalated to full-blown phobia psychosis. i need dark glasses for the electric lights of the great indoors than i do for the more evenly diffused sunlight.
the light/dark metaphors sure do haunt me as i work to calm myself in the darkness. dare i reveal the ugly transgression of LIKING the dark to a lover of the metaphors? what say ye, lover of light/dark metaphors? am i evil?
i know, i know. . . i'm lost in metaphor, AGAIN! ! !
it's a phobic response.
i'm back with good news. after venting at you here, i was able to shut down the metaphorical banter in my head and enjoy the healing benefits of darkness. i am, quite literally, ready to face the glaring electric lights anew. thank you, dear lord, that i don't have to work indoors under artificial lights.
returning the thread to you. . .
i can't even imagine the transition you are processing, but when it comes to providing support for troubled souls, i grow ever more convinced that proactive listening is far more important than the profound contents of my over-active cerebellum
for what it's worth
from my digital eye view, the transition looks mighty good on you, grasshopper.
Thanks Arfie!!