things are pretty good

I went to sleep last night in a state of mental undress. I had pealed and picked apart so much that I went to work just slothful and low but determined to keep going - and do the work to a good quality ending. As I worked, I felt the rebuff of some customers at times but I questioned it, it wasn't easy to keep things totally couched in check but I just kept going - and I started to think about all the work I have been doing with the therapist

and my journalling here on DS.org. Feeling dissappointed in my therapist and so much, I thought about all this writing and deliberating over wisdom. What is my goal?... do I seem to be getting there?? I left work with a humility and kind of resolve.

When I got into the car - I realized I didn't have the exigence of doing a task in front of me like at work - so I had to think differently about what I was hoping to relate - and validate myself - transitions - I don't usually like driving perhaps impatience is the reason - but I resolved to just resolve to drive - and the classical music

and the drive was in fact kind of nice and relaxful. I parked the car when I got home and recognized too

I had to think about how I was going to relate in my coming home to an alone place. I could do it - there was a little darkness about it - but I also found that as I just 'kept on checking in with myself' - it seemed a resolve, a resolution that worked. 

I ate lunch and now, I'm online. Will go and get coffee shortly and so on... but I think my aim is not to live in aesthetics but to live in reality and so this 'checking in with myself' seems to be helpful. I am not perfectly content - and I am living pretty humbly - but I feel like I am understanding myself to the extent that I am functional while not in the structure of work. I feel like I've written this journal a hundred times over. I write to get the thought out of my system and put it somewhere. A formalization to put it all together. Anyways, have a good day out there!!