things are ok overall
sometimes I make a 'wrong turn' mentally. Today I am keeping on schedule
for all the chores I have to do...but then when I got home from my major 'outting'
I decided to finish the bottle of Khalua that I had in the fridge (not the smartest choice - but it never
seems an 'appropriate' time (I don't like that word). I enjoy it sometimes
but it also tends to 'steal' the rest of the day from me in terms of clarity and positivity.
I am doing laundry now, and so keeping productive, but I feel just down and lonely...
and confused...confused because I so love being around others and yet the paradox is
that I feel so afraid of losing myself - which I do - but I am kind of ok with that if I think about it - at least
in writing about it now - I am just thinking about it - how others may feel this way as well. How to transition
from group to 'solo' life.
I went and got a coffee just and I started to think about how I like my neighborhood and try to keep
my spending within the local community... I wonder if that's an economic model that the Corporate Elite
are starting to think about... I mean I have heard that they - on top of considering their stockholders - they are now
considering members of the community to be a part of their board meetings and corporate considerations.
Sorry for the rambling message. I guess I am still a little tipsy. I thought about calling my therapist
but I didn't have the heart to leave a message. I will do so when the alcohol has passed out of my system.
I really think I need to get a dog. If I can't have a family of my own - I think maybe I have to start building
a kind of family for myself. It's so crazy how I come to this conclusion time and again - my mind is so labile
that I lose sense of things only to come back to the place where started. But so it goes, time to keep on keeping
on....sometimes (as my therapist said) we battling certain things our whole lives through. I think maybe I need to skip
waiting for inspiration and be the example or force I want to have and be in this life.
Replies
I have a lot of social anxiety because I am afraid of a missed connection. I can get really stiff and quiet. My therapist said to me ‘it’s ok... some people are good listeners and that’s a good thing to have in the world.’
Ok no more whining:)
This is *your* therapy journal, Mark. It's allowed to ramble as much as you want/need. Whining allowed, too. We all need pity sometimes and I am a do-it-yourselfer. If ya wants a job done right, do it yourself.
My neural pathways take so many wrong turns that I had to learn how to let that be okay. I was tired of always being black and blue all over from beating myself up over it.
For some psychotic reason I take comfort in knowing that an airplane's automatic pilot system is only on course 5% of the time. It spends 95% of its time correcting its course and still manages to get to where it needs to go. 5% accuracy will get me there. Usually. . .
Thanks Arfie!!!