Things are good

As I try to make sense of my day, I also try to make sense of my life, the context of small things and then the wide scope comes to mind. One serves the other sometimes to help me with reminders that keep me centered. From going to extremes - which has been one of the big lessons of my life. I think about my family a lot. My therapist calls it 'carrying your family with you.' Those memories are complex at times - fueled by my condition of course. But it makes me think that each member of our family carries their family (us) with them,

their relationships - their complexities. I specifically am thinking about my Dad and his father (who died before I was born) and

how my Dad might think of his own dad as he goes through his day and life. I hope and want to hold onto the good memories because although there are bad memories too, with my condition when they have come to mind, they broadcast loudly. It has buried my clarity...I know focusing on the good will bring me back to center and reality of health, of managing, of center rather than extreme and helpless. Clearly I'd rather focus on the positive, and again I think about my family, my father, my mom, my stepmom, my sisters and brother. I wonder how everyone, including folks here, carries their family with them sometimes and definitely their experiences. I'm learning to 'own my reality' if that makes sense. Choosing who defines it, my family and tribe, and also by standing by the work I do.

I'm doing the work here and I want to be known for the good work I have done. I don't always feel grounded about it, like it's not anything special or like something that I've actually done. It just feels inconsequential what's just done, but I know to keep focused and to look at what I've done now, somehow acknowledge it and keep consistent. I may not 'feel it' right away but keep on keeping on. I think with an illness like mine, I can get lost in my body. Lost in my emotions and feelings and physicality. The trouble I've had is with staying on the surface of life and keeping mindful. That's as you've read is something I work on. I know we all come here with similar struggles like this but with different histories and conditions. So right now I'm just thinking about each of us, how we are juggling our work, our life responsibilities and our memories and pasts and our tribes. Who we carry with us - and what memories we focus on is a touchstone for me. I appreciate you guys and it  makes me feel connected to come here and talk to you. Now I'd like to get onto some other things with my day. To do work I can stand by and I hope you guys have a good day too. Deep breath and sigh. And maybe if I feel a bit alienated or sidelined it's probably good to know that we all feel like that a little bit sometimes probably. Everything is not a joy. Everything is store-bought and shiney. We may feel marginalized and mediocre but that usually comes when I feel tired and dejected. Because of that need

to restore and rest it also brings me down to earth that we're a collective of human frailty and humanism in the life around us. Normality. I love who I have in my life. And yes, sometimes I am learning the normality of having to shift gears for people and animals :) in my day and also keep on my priorities and appreciation of relationships. It's a natural part of life I think. I find myself reaching out past my erroneous focus on a seamless existence to one of humanity.

and understanding. Happy Saturday! 

Gosh reading this and I just see I am so schizo affective LOL