things are good
I was experiencing a lot of stuff today.
i needed to write this.
I think I need to go for a walk.
I had a good day of work today
and then came home and set about
preparing for my stepmom to come over.
She's so good to me.
She came over to help me sort through
and edit the things (my posessions and clothes) I will be taking with me to the monastery.
She broke things down like into a good logic
and I feel better prepared now.
I then took Blue to the vet, to find that it's too early
to be granted a health certificate and so I will
go back again on the Friday before I leave at 1pm.
I feel so muddy brained and a lot of aggression.
My stepmom was so selfless to help me..While I can't
wait to go to the monastery. I know also I want
to give Dad and her a gift before I go.
A big box of chocolates from See's or some kind of
comestible. Maybe a bottle of champagne.
My mind has so turned over and has been creatively
tortuous with me today - and yet writing now to is putting that energy to positive work by making
me plan what I will be doing with and for Dad and my stepmom.
I'm glad I have my housework to turn to. And the routine of the shows
to watch. I don't have a logic that calms the roiling agression.
Things are up in the air and I don't have the extra income to help me
indulge. So I just need to go for a walk.
I need to lighten up -and I really look forward to seeing my therapist tomorrow.
I’m really grateful that at the moment of thinking about the two worlds of here and the monastery and feeling adrift I had the ability to have some insight about the transition I am making. I came over to Dad and Stepmom's and sat with Dad in his office. It sent me reeling again but I find myself finding someway to get through it. It’s confusing but I hope I am making good decisions.
Just took my meds and now surfing my phone. While driving home I found myself thinking about the worry and intensity in the aftermath of being with my family as well as the general anxiousness. More like holding on for dear life while there and driving .. tired… worried… self loathing .I just had to deal with my ‘individual ‘ as I drove I thought which was a godsend of an epiphany. . I had the insight to focus on the feelings separate from who I am. I thought about my fatigue and also the transition I’m going through and I thought about what Elon Musk said about starting a new company. He said it’s like wearing a suit of broken glass. Indeed it is. I found myself holding onto my jaw and just not trying to control the feelings but rather control my actions and the way I dealt with the maelstrom of crud within.
This afternoon, before all this, I found myself being
tired and lazy and apathetic after work but decided to hold on. There’s no point to being masochistic but there is very much goodness in learning to cope and continuing to not give up.., even if you feel both ‘kind of there’ and ‘not really there (I think it’s called disassociation’. I gave myself time and space to get over it and find some insight.
The one who suffers the most I think has been Blue. I haven’t had the time to coddle him like usual. When this move is over I surely will.
Replies
It was nice of your stepmom to come over and help you.
You sound a bit off today, I hope you can talk to your tdoc about all this and get some sound advice and guidance.
try to have a good day Mark.
Thanks Becky!!
It's true Becky I am feeling off today. I feel kind of lost. I'll create some order around the apartment
here. ((((BIG HUG))))