things are good. :)
today went really well at work! :)
I was feeling so undermined, initially, by the random crazy energy within me, that seems to peck away at my sense of self, this was at the outset/beginning of my shift - maybe it's triggered by stress? I don't know, but like it seemed so much had changed
in me. It left me feeling vacuous.
I felt adrift, like a crazy invisible automaton as I worked along --
Reflexively I knew to keep at the job needing to be done and that 'helpful thought' or that thing that kept me moving in the right direction came
from my personal practice ...of self responsibility - the craziness followed me throughout the shift but it gets better..
read on.... hehe
I've talked to my therapist and to folks on here about
the changes, I have within me, and by which I feel so thrown by -
but then today I questioned that whole phenomenon, I realized that 'changes within' are just something that simply
happens within all of us - and during those times of 'what the heck should i do's?' Because of them,
I know we have to keep at things
as we have determined to do them before they (the changes) happened- ie do good work and doing the work we're commited to doing....survival and keep on keeping on..etc..
As I was getting on with the day..it's like I was comforted by the idea of structures that I had both seen and created in my life. I was relying on them to stay the course. My internal life may have been so confused but I kept atfocusing on the outside structures in my life that work- that for me are tried, tested and true... it's taken some experimentation to find them.
Those structures in my life now serve like sign posts directing me with the route to survival - for example my nighttime routine has a regularity and predictability which are things that help me fall asleep to keep on a heatlhy schedule so that I function well...
So I'm knowing in relationship to my craziness inside, that some things will always change within me and outside of me (and this is something I know I share with other people too)
Some things can and will stay the same
with the practice of some discipline
like the chores you have to do, the holidays each year, three meals a day, like the routine at bedtime etc...a little wacky I know but for me it's what works.
I just found myself more able to deal with that duality today of 'things that change and then the things that are constants' -
It was like a back and forth dialogue it teetered in my head ... I relaxed with it and
I could just kind of hold it in my head....and also ask myself what was I wanting? and why was I feeling this way? Which gave me some excellent insight and a sense of understanding which brought peace.
things are really good as a result! - I'm functioning and I find myself feeling good about my relationships too...
with others and myself! :)
With regards to my living alone and charting my life going forward I feel assured by focusing on external routine s and rituals and traditions as my therapy for coping.
My questioning of this stuff and so then what I am finding now is more commonality about my life in certain dynamics we all face. I'm finding my peace with the choices I am making and from what I choose to do too.
This may seem a little tangential but for me there's also a kind of peer anxiety about creating a way of dealing with my life's components...
but charting a personal course and having achievements, after a while is really is enriching.
It's so positive to create a way of dealing with my life's necessities with a purpose and awareness! I can hold both the 'other' and my own choices within, without fearing myself as invalid thing but instead feel triumphant, assured and soothed.
Replies
Sounds like a pensive day, but ended well. Sending a bug hug.
Bug hug. Ladybug should have had that typo.
Your entry made me think of the quote, "The only constant in life is change."
Most of us crave structure and familiarity, especially when feeling uncertain, so you're not alone. The world can be a scary and unpredictable place. Structure is different for each of us, and there is no right or wrong way to organize your life.
I admire the fact that you have a sleep schedule. I should follow your example. I'm glad your day ended on a positive note.
A bug hug for you and Nikki too. : ) Hope you both have a good night!
Thanks you two!