things are good
it's so strange how I have come to the point of writing this in my online
journal.. or writing it to my Doctor...and I've talked myself out of it either way/ either direction
- and tried to convince myself
to get back to watching the January 6 hearings. But I can't, it's spastically coming
out of me now.. So here I am expressing it.
things are good. I kind of have come to a point of acceptance that everyday will
provide the same or even different kind of distressing mind bending changes within from the illness
and from life in general. I know
this is just part of the challenge - but I know now
to just relax with them and accept them. I'm living with acceptance and gratitude. .
Though things can be upsetting - I know that a) it's part of day to day life and b)
I have work and things to take care of. I can keep my mind focused on that
while trying to not give too much power to the idea of managing illness (fraught) or also the crazy internal stimuli or even external stimuli out of
employees or customers in the sense that there's processing, compartmentalizing
that I can do which puts all that into understanding. There's good practice too and familiarity
for it now and just knowing what it is..
Last night I also had a phone call from Dad... I know he's dealing with stuff
and I know he loves me - just as I am dealing with stuff and I love him.
I could hold the two feelings in my head last night, of love and the idea of the agitation (don't really know how to say it) and that made me feel so 'in common' with others.. That mix of love and imperfection. No one is perfect
and we're all dealing with these dualities - and so, good moments are oh so good..
Bad moments are blips that need to be sorted and put on the shelf or compartmentalized.
and can be accepted as just 'being' or just 'are'... realities that don't need to be
derailing.
Overall I feel a greater sense of belonging and health. I don't know why sometimes I talk myself out of moving in any one direction
until I finally spastically have to do something. It happens like when I held two feelings in my mind - like I have to sit still. I see it in Blue as well. He won't know what to do with his morning energy until he just kind of spazzes out and runs around :) I guess again this is part of managing. :)
Replies
I hope you can feel
Confidence in managing what you have gathered more and more awareness of over time. I think it’s great to articulate and express and communicate to loved ones. In writing, we can find commonalities with others.
In day to day personal life, and having done workshops and things about “disclosing” a mental condition, I think I have finally found some sturdiness in using my own mental health condition as a sort of gift of empathy. I realize there are many challenging personalities out there who may not share any kind of viewpoints on “mindfulness” for lack of better description. But it’s up to me to be able to navigate all of it.
Anyway, just some evening thoughts. I hope you continue to grown into what it is you would like to manifest in your life. I don’t know if I like how I worded that but I won’t delete it bc I’m too tired to rethink my word choice. I better get scootin’ to prepare for a small adventure!
Hugs.
thanks Nikki - peaceful good night to you. :)
I’m home from my parents’ house for dinner. It was a really nice time.
Unfortunately after I left I started to worry. That wonderful loose wire within that I’m trying to learn to manage. Right before I got there I started to think about things that unsettle me about x, then I realized that x I probably unsettled by some things about me. I felt in good commonality with my folks and then I thought I need to be responsible for my relationship too.
Suffice it to say it was a nice time and yet my confidence was questioned at the moment I left.
So I will talk to my doc about this tomorrow.
You do seem to have confidence difficulty after being around others. I sometimes question whether I said something dumb or out of place around others. Maybe talking to your tdoc tomorrow will help you. She seems like a good tdoc.
Hope you can work it out. Sounds like you have your folks and doc to sort things through as you navigate relationships.
Thanks so much Becky and Nikki!