things are good

my therapist and I have joked about how as you age, it's a good day when you

don't feel completely like crap. She's super funny and inspires me.

I mean my expectation for my self just wasn't high today, I wasn't doing so great to

begin the day but just kept on using the tools we talk about to just shift my perspective

to taking care of what's important, doing my work and doing a good job..

Yeah it seemed like there were moments of narcissistic injury as the day at work went along

but I kept on keeping on - and also had the awestriking question

"Is this my life?" lol - but I just kind of got 'ok with it' enough to finish the day

and just keep on keeping on. 

Now that I am home, I realize I am making a choice to save money - and live really

a low bar lifestyle or is it I am learning patience and self control and practicing smartness.

I know saving is wise, and self preserving, and smart, and definitely what I've been doing more than not...but

after this current savings goal I am for sure going to start to live a little....

So today it looks like I am NOT going to break into my savings bank to go out and get a coffee. It's silly that it's

such a small thing and reaching for it is an issue.. It's kind of frustrating but I won't get down on me.

I only have to wait one more day until the pay comes through...and in this frustrating time I have kind of been thinking

about how to get through this 'trying waiting period' without self negating or self castigating

just to wait to indulge. I feel like I should have more proactive vector forward.

If I really want a better life style I have got to reach for the stars a bit.

Well that's what wisdom tells me. I've been thinking about the different cultures I've exposed

to, to try and remember how they conceptually deal with self denial and perseverance.

Christian, Jewish, Zen Buddhist. I guess this kind of naval gazing is my way of getting myself through.

I'd better start a project to make it count. 

Peace,

M