things are getting better
I wrote this last night:
the fear of the unknown can be a big thing. It has fueled a lot of my innards.
I mean - the fear of it - I might be open to discovery -
it's just the bends in the road along the way tends to get me stuck .
it's just the bends in the road along the way tends to get me stuck .
And the land mines that I've had to deal with certainly sent me inward.
I get stuck and forget the original goal as well. I think I forget who I am too.
I think I started looking for the predictable in life -
and I have found it here at the monastery -and I am of use here which is a great feeling.
I think in personal relationships (significant others) I have looked for predictability, where truly it’s also the individual personality solely at play -
things are good - I am starting to feel a sense of ownership of this
life- the grand life with material goods I had once - but I no longer have access to that stuff
and they need me here - and I am liking that - the simplicity and all of it -
I do have a kind of privilege with my car here and it's a nice car - The car reminds me of where I came from - I guess it seems weird to say this but by feeling a little bit of luxury - and dignity - it feels like I am inauthentically any of it -
but we are the sum of our experiences and self - so I will hold onto what I know
and where I am from - but I"ll also enjoy the investment I am making into life here.
I really over do it with these examinations - it's compulsive
remembering not to get stuck on the mistakes and losing myself in that is important!
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anything worth doing is worth over-doing? i figure my questioning nature is a good thing when i don't over-do it with the compulsive examinations. not getting stuck on the mistakes and losing myself in the process is most definitely important.
and then we get to where the hard-wired anxiety over change meets the compulsive over-doing. sigh. . . always some pesky detail to mind.
What I have learned is that our ego is responsible for our protection so it needs to be able to predict what will happen and when it can't predict the future, it sends fear to let us know there is danger ahead. That's how it works.
Thanks Arfie and Bob!
It's so nice that you're feeling more at home all the time sweetie
Unfortunately some paranoia can be part of your disorder and it sux
If journalling about it and discussing how you're feeling helps then I think that's great sweetie
I have no doubt that the people at the Monestary appreciate you and how hard you work
Sending a big hug of comfort and peace Marky...xo
Thanks Janet! I also want to share that last night I did not take my meds for the first day in 15 years. I did it for the purpose of not having stimulants in my system for the medical tests I had today.. I won’t do this again! Please take your meds folks!! Regularly and routinely!!