Things
I know I spent time in prison and my wife is hurting and I wish I could take that pain away, and my pension and I wish I could rewind time. But earlier in the year, before I knew we were divorcing, she brought boxes to my parents home, which included photographs from our engagement and wedding. If you are familiar with Harry Potter films in Deathly Hallows part 1 Hermione obliviates herself out of her parents minds and photos, it feels that it was has happened to me and my family. I don't think there will be a photo of me now in my children's lives, I don't know if I'll ever see them again, I'm not coping with the pain
Replies
Stop. Pause. Breathe.
One of the best gifts you can give yourself in this significant reflection is to accept that you have changed, your wife has changed, and that the time you had together is now isolated into boxes in your parent's home. That is important in finding your acceptance of the change.
The pain. The moment of pain reflection, writing it out, giving it actual expression, provides a safe way to work out the anger, the frustration, the loss, the grief of choices with unintended consequences, and to know that the life will not be like it was planned in those boxes.
Your children will never forget you are their father. They, however, have to live, in the moment, with their mother, in new, strange, weird, and awkward circumstances that came about due to your choices with those unintended consequences. Your wife had to make the best decision for her well-being, and for the children, to find a new way to live, to thrive, and to be 'who she is' without the boxes.
It does not mean you are wiped from their memories and their choices. It just means currently, the boxes represent the separation of the pain, the loss, the change.
The only way to remove the pain is to write it out, give it expression, and then to move forward with respect that at this time, separation of the 'old' and the 'new' is still being processed.
The sad part is that yes, the pain is there. Nothing you say or do now will change that the pain is there because of your choices made previously. It is up to you, and you alone, to choose to live and respect that pain can be healed with positive actions (reflections of positive moments shared in a journal strictly for your children's eyes later on-and in one case, the children did not receive their journals until they were adults living on their own). Your wife has to forgive herself for her choices (and again, that is her reflections, NOT yours), and for the decisions she has to make for the children. I do know of several people who did do a personal reflection journal for their former partner and it worked to give them a way to forgive themselves.
You're coping with the pain, it's just not the way you expected it would be. It hurts, and it seems unending. That's why writing it out and giving it expression will allow you to forgive that moment. There's a lot of moments that will happen as you recover to a different and better balance.
The way movies are made, people see a part of the picture. The background of those movies, however, is a completely different scene than what shows on the screen. In real life, there are no do-overs. The consequences of our choices reflect on the moment those choices were made. The unintended consequences, however, are often life-changing.
Keep it simple, keep it short, and keep it sweet. Short, sweet, and simple. When I am in a distress or stress moment, this is what keeps me from allowing old feelings to choose my words, my actions, and my response.
This choice gives me a sense of well-being and in being kind, I am helping myself heal.
Hope this helps you to find the balance of using the pain to help you heal.