These nightmares...again...
Dear DS diary,
Today was an incredibly difficult day, much harder than it needed to be. I had a completely new nightmare last night that has had me awake since 3am, and I think this just illustrates how little time it takes me to have a panic attack.
By the way, when I'm done talking about this, I'm going to bed. So anyone who I haven't responded to today up to now, I will get in touch with you tomorrow night. I promise.
What actually happened in the nightmare is a complete fog right now, but here's the situation:
At work, the owner of the pharmacy had what I can only call an important meeting a week and a half ago. There is the possibility, from this, to get an increase in business on the side of the pharmacy I normally work on by about 50%.
There's a couple of problems with this, though: If it were to go through, we would be understaffed immediately -- and from experience I know that when the owner has done the help wanted thing, it hasn't gone smoothly for him, ever -- and we would either have to use additional space in the building we're already in, or move the entire operations to a bigger facility.
On an indirectly related note, I've been trying for months now to try to get to my training studio twice a week because there is only so much I can do on my own. But with the way things have been going, expansion or no expansion, I finally had to concede this week that it won't happen, that I will need to be creative and find ways on my own.
Put the two together, and last night the dam burst. I can't remember what happened, but it was a full blown panic episode about the pharmacy business suddenly expanding enough that I wouldn't find a way to get the workouts I know I need in. At all.
Honestly, as panic episodes go, this doesn't make any sense. Logically, I know that outs exist:
* There are fitness experts on YouTube -- this much I do know -- who post entire routines for free, of varying lengths, some of which don't require any fancy equipment.
* I just claimed a USB CD drive, originally obtained for some other purpose, that my dad no longer needs. I'll test it tomorrow, and if it works I can go fitness DVD hunting if I want to.
* A trainer I used to work with, who now works at a different studio, has a Facebook page. I noticed that there is support and encouragement on that page, so I bit the Facebook bullet and buddied up with her. This part is already done.
* And it's unlikely that my workout openings will be completely blocked out, so if I can actually start getting a consistent sleep pattern going, it would actually be possible to sneak a quickie in when my parents wake up at 6:15 am.
So why the panic? I can think of a couple of reasons: One, it's the only reaction I know, and so by default it kicks in immediately, often before I even have a chance to think. Two, there's the confidence issue: I realize this will take discipline, like so much else in my life that needs to be fixed, and...let's just say it takes very little for me to get discouraged, or for addiction fears to come up for the umpteenth time, and so on and so forth.
It just seems like everything imaginable is appearing as a nightmare these days...I'm scared...
Today was an incredibly difficult day, much harder than it needed to be. I had a completely new nightmare last night that has had me awake since 3am, and I think this just illustrates how little time it takes me to have a panic attack.
By the way, when I'm done talking about this, I'm going to bed. So anyone who I haven't responded to today up to now, I will get in touch with you tomorrow night. I promise.
What actually happened in the nightmare is a complete fog right now, but here's the situation:
At work, the owner of the pharmacy had what I can only call an important meeting a week and a half ago. There is the possibility, from this, to get an increase in business on the side of the pharmacy I normally work on by about 50%.
There's a couple of problems with this, though: If it were to go through, we would be understaffed immediately -- and from experience I know that when the owner has done the help wanted thing, it hasn't gone smoothly for him, ever -- and we would either have to use additional space in the building we're already in, or move the entire operations to a bigger facility.
On an indirectly related note, I've been trying for months now to try to get to my training studio twice a week because there is only so much I can do on my own. But with the way things have been going, expansion or no expansion, I finally had to concede this week that it won't happen, that I will need to be creative and find ways on my own.
Put the two together, and last night the dam burst. I can't remember what happened, but it was a full blown panic episode about the pharmacy business suddenly expanding enough that I wouldn't find a way to get the workouts I know I need in. At all.
Honestly, as panic episodes go, this doesn't make any sense. Logically, I know that outs exist:
* There are fitness experts on YouTube -- this much I do know -- who post entire routines for free, of varying lengths, some of which don't require any fancy equipment.
* I just claimed a USB CD drive, originally obtained for some other purpose, that my dad no longer needs. I'll test it tomorrow, and if it works I can go fitness DVD hunting if I want to.
* A trainer I used to work with, who now works at a different studio, has a Facebook page. I noticed that there is support and encouragement on that page, so I bit the Facebook bullet and buddied up with her. This part is already done.
* And it's unlikely that my workout openings will be completely blocked out, so if I can actually start getting a consistent sleep pattern going, it would actually be possible to sneak a quickie in when my parents wake up at 6:15 am.
So why the panic? I can think of a couple of reasons: One, it's the only reaction I know, and so by default it kicks in immediately, often before I even have a chance to think. Two, there's the confidence issue: I realize this will take discipline, like so much else in my life that needs to be fixed, and...let's just say it takes very little for me to get discouraged, or for addiction fears to come up for the umpteenth time, and so on and so forth.
It just seems like everything imaginable is appearing as a nightmare these days...I'm scared...
Replies
I am so sorry you are having these darn scary dreams. I dont usually have them but I did last night and its still scaring me, so I can only imagine how scary they are for you. I wish we had a switch that we could shut off our brains while we sleep because it is not good for us to lose sleep. You must find it hard some days to work if you havent gotten enough sleep?
That sounds like a good plan doing a work out through Facebook and great you found someone you like that is teaching them.
((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
mystie, no only do my work shifts become harder when I don\'t sleep well, but I become really irritated as well. There are some nights -- like tonight -- when I want to contact my friends more but can\'t because I have to restrain myself.
This nightmare came back last night, too...I think my heart is telling me that I don\'t have enough confidence in my self-discipline to make this thing work...and now, I\'m thinking I may have to go random trainer hunting on FB because I noticed the message I sent to the trainer I buddied up with got...no response at all, and she has posted since I sent it. FML