these are the days I want to die
Things are just bouncing around my mind like a pinball machine.
Yesterday and today have both become lousy crappy ass days. Joanna said that it appears that I am sliding. This is not a good thing- how could I possibly let myself slide!? What the fuck? Joanna inisisted that I am not choosing to slide, for I am trying very hard not to. I am doing everything correctly even when my ED wants me to refuse food etc. She says it is not my fault. Soemtimes we just cannot control our mid and thoughts, so my goal is to not let this bring me down. Don't let myself crtiicze myself and find my faults. Though at the same time I know that If I told (or if Joanna told) anyone else (ex. my paretns and carlos), tey would say that it is my fault and would berate me for it. I feel as though by saying its not my fault, is just making up excuses. But Joanna insists that this is not the case at this time...this was from last night.
Last night I tried really hard to not let myself blame myself and criticize myself for sliding down as Joanna said. Well, I didn't end up focusing on that which is great. But I did obsess over something else that Joanna said, and it is continuing to drive me crazy. She said that with the weight range of 110-115 that Jill and I set, that I was at one point over that since leaving the hospital. (and the number 118 is stuck in my head it big flashing neon lights.....literally that is what I see) Whether that is a mistake or not, it is driving me insane. That is all that is swirling around in my head at the moment. It is completely possible, but now I need to know. Plus Joanna remembers every little thing so it's hard for me to believe that it was a mistake.
I did not sleep for more than an hour total last night. Everything has seemed to go wrong this entire day- nothing has gone straight/correct. Now I know this is not true, and I feel bad for saying this; but I have to. It seems like days where I want to come in for a session and I have a lot of things on my mind, always seem to be the ones that get changed/cancelled etc. It almost makes me feel as though I am being put to a test, a test to see how strong I really am and how much control I truly have over my emotions. Well, clearly that answer is none.
Nothing seems to be going right for me at all right now and I am struggling a lot with everything. But I guess it will pass at some point..
Yesterday and today have both become lousy crappy ass days. Joanna said that it appears that I am sliding. This is not a good thing- how could I possibly let myself slide!? What the fuck? Joanna inisisted that I am not choosing to slide, for I am trying very hard not to. I am doing everything correctly even when my ED wants me to refuse food etc. She says it is not my fault. Soemtimes we just cannot control our mid and thoughts, so my goal is to not let this bring me down. Don't let myself crtiicze myself and find my faults. Though at the same time I know that If I told (or if Joanna told) anyone else (ex. my paretns and carlos), tey would say that it is my fault and would berate me for it. I feel as though by saying its not my fault, is just making up excuses. But Joanna insists that this is not the case at this time...this was from last night.
Last night I tried really hard to not let myself blame myself and criticize myself for sliding down as Joanna said. Well, I didn't end up focusing on that which is great. But I did obsess over something else that Joanna said, and it is continuing to drive me crazy. She said that with the weight range of 110-115 that Jill and I set, that I was at one point over that since leaving the hospital. (and the number 118 is stuck in my head it big flashing neon lights.....literally that is what I see) Whether that is a mistake or not, it is driving me insane. That is all that is swirling around in my head at the moment. It is completely possible, but now I need to know. Plus Joanna remembers every little thing so it's hard for me to believe that it was a mistake.
I did not sleep for more than an hour total last night. Everything has seemed to go wrong this entire day- nothing has gone straight/correct. Now I know this is not true, and I feel bad for saying this; but I have to. It seems like days where I want to come in for a session and I have a lot of things on my mind, always seem to be the ones that get changed/cancelled etc. It almost makes me feel as though I am being put to a test, a test to see how strong I really am and how much control I truly have over my emotions. Well, clearly that answer is none.
Nothing seems to be going right for me at all right now and I am struggling a lot with everything. But I guess it will pass at some point..
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