There are obstacles, and then there's this
Dear DS diary,
It's no secret that I don't trust people. I've already seen to it that I've ruined my parents' mood for a party involving immediate family tomorrow because I know I am only going to be surrounded by seven known enemies with no face-to-face friends in sight.
Today, I think I broke my coach's heart by revealing just how bad my people issues are.
So, it's like this: At FB, my coach hooked me up with a couple of other groups besides hers a little more than a week ago. The leaders of these two groups are both Diamond-ranked Beachbody coaches, which for those programs is as high as you can go (from there, it's just a matter of racking up stars). This means they know a lot of stuff about the kinds of programs that I intend to be using, and they have a lot of followers.
Logically, this should have been no problem at all. First, both group leaders are female, which should have been a perfect match for me because I trust females more than males (long story). Second, it's not like I really have to be active in either group. Third, since I want to eventually be able to coach someday, I've been told they're both really good training groups.
But I have a weakness: If I sense that you've not safe, or at the minimum neutral, and I don't get a magic click moment in my heart that tells me it's okay to try to talk to you...that's it. That is all. I am done. This is what happens when you spend 21 years floundering, unable to forgive, unable to let go, not knowing who to turn to as a result. The rough truth is that during this time frame I have gone from knowing who to avoid to being incapable of giving people a chance if I don't have that magic click moment.
This has become so automatic that it will be a part of me for the rest of my life. Even my therapist can't help with this. He will only be able to find ways to raise temporary shields for purposes of damage control.
So I shouldn't have been surprised to, during my lunch break today, run away from both of those groups, and even go so far as to guarantee that I can't be invited back by anyone other than myself. If the group leaders want me, they're going to have to privately hunt me down and prove to me that they don't mean any harm. Because that's the only way I will ever let myself be exposed to people that my heart is telling me cannot be trusted.
This is what happens when experience teaches you that the world is an unsafe place with betrayal taking place everywhere, every day. Except for the few online friends I have, I'm effectively permanently isolated.
And I don't see that changing. Ever.
It's no secret that I don't trust people. I've already seen to it that I've ruined my parents' mood for a party involving immediate family tomorrow because I know I am only going to be surrounded by seven known enemies with no face-to-face friends in sight.
Today, I think I broke my coach's heart by revealing just how bad my people issues are.
So, it's like this: At FB, my coach hooked me up with a couple of other groups besides hers a little more than a week ago. The leaders of these two groups are both Diamond-ranked Beachbody coaches, which for those programs is as high as you can go (from there, it's just a matter of racking up stars). This means they know a lot of stuff about the kinds of programs that I intend to be using, and they have a lot of followers.
Logically, this should have been no problem at all. First, both group leaders are female, which should have been a perfect match for me because I trust females more than males (long story). Second, it's not like I really have to be active in either group. Third, since I want to eventually be able to coach someday, I've been told they're both really good training groups.
But I have a weakness: If I sense that you've not safe, or at the minimum neutral, and I don't get a magic click moment in my heart that tells me it's okay to try to talk to you...that's it. That is all. I am done. This is what happens when you spend 21 years floundering, unable to forgive, unable to let go, not knowing who to turn to as a result. The rough truth is that during this time frame I have gone from knowing who to avoid to being incapable of giving people a chance if I don't have that magic click moment.
This has become so automatic that it will be a part of me for the rest of my life. Even my therapist can't help with this. He will only be able to find ways to raise temporary shields for purposes of damage control.
So I shouldn't have been surprised to, during my lunch break today, run away from both of those groups, and even go so far as to guarantee that I can't be invited back by anyone other than myself. If the group leaders want me, they're going to have to privately hunt me down and prove to me that they don't mean any harm. Because that's the only way I will ever let myself be exposed to people that my heart is telling me cannot be trusted.
This is what happens when experience teaches you that the world is an unsafe place with betrayal taking place everywhere, every day. Except for the few online friends I have, I'm effectively permanently isolated.
And I don't see that changing. Ever.
Replies
I am so sorry you have trouble trusting people and feeling unsafe. Like you said if you don\'t feel a click or feel safe it just isn\'t going to work. It is good to know that you have tried to work on it with your therapist, but it is too bad that you feel you will not overcome this barrier. I think in some sense I feel similar. I get close to people and then they shut me out. And for me I just don\'t think my heart can take much more of that. It is also the same reason I have stayed single for almost 6 years. I put so much into my last relationship of 7.5 years and he left because he couldn\'t handle my severe anxiety, but yet I was there through all his mental illness and attempted suicide. I just don\'t want to have another broken heart. I know since the Boston bombings you have struggled with feeling unsafe, and I can see why. Honestly, I think I\'d be terrified to live where you are, so I can feel for you there.
I will always be your friend and you can email me anytime you want to vent!!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
It really does feel like the best I can hope for now, mystie, is damage control. Unfortunately, what passes as damage control for me will involve what went down on this day: Blocking out groups and people that are coming off for any reason -- or sometimes no reason -- as threats. That\'s really all I can say.
Btw, it wasn\'t long before I blocked the group leaders, too.
I\'m so sorry to learn you have such huge trust issues:(:( I think that would make so many things in your life more difficult:(:(
You said \"This has become so automatic that it will be a part of me for the rest of my life.\" Dear friend, I hope you will be able to rethink that and realize it doesn\'t have to be \"self-fulfilling prophecy\". You are young and can still work through at least some of the trust issues that are impeding your life right now. Trust is something a person earns, it isn\'t something we can just give away freely, doing that, in my opinion, just leaves us open for heartache. With my one online friend that I\'d had before she lost her internet, it took a full year before we felt completely safe with one another.
We just took our time and let trust develop as we got to know each other better. It has been very rare, that I felt I could trust someone almost immediately. I\'ve been betrayed so many times, I just can\'t \"give\" trust away anymore.
Perhaps, part of your damage control, would be to just take a break from FB and what happened there? I guess I\'m trying to say, step back, take time to \"back up and regroup\". Let the \"dust\" settle for now. You have time to re-evaluate just what it is you feel most comfortable with and go from there.
You can still stay in touch with those you feel safe with and ignore the rest for now. After reading what had transpired with being put into 2 new groups at once, it sounds to me as though you were overwhelmed with the prospect of dealing with so many new folks at once. Possibly you perceived you would need to interact with them, one on one, right now, rather than just being a member and only reading what others were saying? I don\'t know if that could be playing a role or not, it\'s just a question on my part.
I, myself, would not do at all well being thrust into new groups, online or offline, not knowing a single person let alone what their immediate expectations, if any, were of me.
Perhaps, taking a break (if you so choose) will give you a chance to think things over with your mind rather than your heart? I\'ve had many times were I let my heart make my decisions and that didn\'t always work out so well. That\'s just me though and I\'m not trying to project my experiences onto you.
Have you ever tried writing out a given situation and then listing pro\'s vs. cons on it? I\'m talking about just doing it in a notebook in your home.
You could take your time evaluating each with no outside pressure that way.
Sometimes, just putting them down in black and white presents a more clear view of what you feel would be best for you. That isn\'t something you\'d have to do all at once either. Perhaps work it out little by little, once, then go back a day or so later and see if it still \"feels\" like the direction you want go. You always have the option of changing your mind.
I hope you understand I\'m not trying to project anything I\'ve done onto you.
You sound so confused at the moment and it does sound to me like you need to take at least a brief break from what happened with the folks on FB.
I hope you will be able to find some measure of peace over the weekend. Perhaps do something other than FB? Maybe another game video or something else you feel comfortable doing.
(((((((((very gentle hugs))))))))))))