Therapy Thoughts from Today...
Do I get pleasure from pain? Am I one of those people? We think so...that's what we talked about in therapy (well for the 2nd half). The first half was about fucking food. Apparently what I thought was following the agreement was not. Apparently yesterday I had a light lunch and missed a snack...but my dessert made up for it. Today I only had breakfast and a lot of coffee before I saaw Joanna at 2pm. That was unacceptable. Bullshit. She stated that if I had a snack prior to seeing her and guranteed her I was having lunch after, then it would of been fine. Honest to goodness I forgot about the snacks she said I needed to have, but did tell her I had lunch in my car and was going to eat it. I was pissed and did not want to talk about fucking food- it's not going to get either one of us anywhere and is fucking pointless. If I wasn't trying then I wouldn't of eaten better like I have been since we made this damn agreement. And it's not like I purposely missed some things...but apparently it looked like that. FUCKKKKKKKKKKK
Anyways back to the pleasure from pain... Do I get pleasure from pain? We are leaning towards yes as the answer. Somethings make sense to agree with this answer, but others I just don't understand.
I feel as though sometimes I do get pleasure from physical pain, but not from everything I don't think. Yes I like the feeling of my stomach being empty. I like the pain from injurying myself purposefuly, or getting injured/hurt not on purpose. Hell, I laugh when I get hurt by accident! How fucked up is that?! I like it when I feel dizzy or lightheaded from lack of food- to me it means I am accomplishing something, though I never thought of it as pain, let alone getting pleasure out of it. Well I guess if I like it then it does make me happy. (side note: I need to come up with a new word for pleasure- I hate that fucking word!!) But why do I like all these things? It doesn't make sense. It is soo extremely fucked up! I mean in the past- even when having sex to make other people happy, if it was painful for me I did it anyways. Wouldn't a normal person beg to stop?
I also KNOW for a fact that I get pleasure and happiness and an extremely amazing feeling when others fail or get hurt. Today I passed a car accident and I laughed...what the fuck? I like it when other people fail, it makes me feel better. In fact I don't like it...I fucking LOVE it! Why? It's so wrong and inappropriate.
But...then yesteday and today I was getting upset and mad because I thought she was going to yell at me for doing something or get mad at me for something that I said or did wrong or didn't do. When in reality she wasn't mad or angry, I knew she wouldn't yell at me because she never does...but I still made myself get upset. Then today when she asked me about my eating and I told her and she said I didn't stick to our agreement I got mad and upset...but at the same time she said that I brought it upon myself because I didn't do it. There is no reason for me to of been mad at her or upset. After much discussion about this, she said, "Okay, well maybe you truly are upset about the food today, so we'll drop that. But, getting upset yesterday still doesn't make sense. It seems as though you were getting upset because you wanted to get upset. It seems as though you like getting upset." I did NOT like that being said. I strongly disagree and man did I make that known today. But as she kept talking, it started to make sense...yet I still don't believe it.
We then went back to the whole pleasure from pain discussion. She said that it would make sense if I got pleasure from being upset. I don't get it though and I said that. I asked her, "If that is true then why to I continue to be upset? It would make sense if I got happy afterwards, but I don't. The feeling of being upset or failing lingers." She said that yes, that is a good question.
So she asked me to think about this over this weekend. Think about where I get pleasure from pain. Think about if there is any way that I might get pleasure from being upset or being in fear that I will fail. I just don't think that's possible. She told me not to make a decision right away, but I think I have. I don't think I can ponder it longer. I don't see anyway. Does anyone else have any idea? How the fuck could that makes sense?!!?
Anyways back to the pleasure from pain... Do I get pleasure from pain? We are leaning towards yes as the answer. Somethings make sense to agree with this answer, but others I just don't understand.
I feel as though sometimes I do get pleasure from physical pain, but not from everything I don't think. Yes I like the feeling of my stomach being empty. I like the pain from injurying myself purposefuly, or getting injured/hurt not on purpose. Hell, I laugh when I get hurt by accident! How fucked up is that?! I like it when I feel dizzy or lightheaded from lack of food- to me it means I am accomplishing something, though I never thought of it as pain, let alone getting pleasure out of it. Well I guess if I like it then it does make me happy. (side note: I need to come up with a new word for pleasure- I hate that fucking word!!) But why do I like all these things? It doesn't make sense. It is soo extremely fucked up! I mean in the past- even when having sex to make other people happy, if it was painful for me I did it anyways. Wouldn't a normal person beg to stop?
I also KNOW for a fact that I get pleasure and happiness and an extremely amazing feeling when others fail or get hurt. Today I passed a car accident and I laughed...what the fuck? I like it when other people fail, it makes me feel better. In fact I don't like it...I fucking LOVE it! Why? It's so wrong and inappropriate.
But...then yesteday and today I was getting upset and mad because I thought she was going to yell at me for doing something or get mad at me for something that I said or did wrong or didn't do. When in reality she wasn't mad or angry, I knew she wouldn't yell at me because she never does...but I still made myself get upset. Then today when she asked me about my eating and I told her and she said I didn't stick to our agreement I got mad and upset...but at the same time she said that I brought it upon myself because I didn't do it. There is no reason for me to of been mad at her or upset. After much discussion about this, she said, "Okay, well maybe you truly are upset about the food today, so we'll drop that. But, getting upset yesterday still doesn't make sense. It seems as though you were getting upset because you wanted to get upset. It seems as though you like getting upset." I did NOT like that being said. I strongly disagree and man did I make that known today. But as she kept talking, it started to make sense...yet I still don't believe it.
We then went back to the whole pleasure from pain discussion. She said that it would make sense if I got pleasure from being upset. I don't get it though and I said that. I asked her, "If that is true then why to I continue to be upset? It would make sense if I got happy afterwards, but I don't. The feeling of being upset or failing lingers." She said that yes, that is a good question.
So she asked me to think about this over this weekend. Think about where I get pleasure from pain. Think about if there is any way that I might get pleasure from being upset or being in fear that I will fail. I just don't think that's possible. She told me not to make a decision right away, but I think I have. I don't think I can ponder it longer. I don't see anyway. Does anyone else have any idea? How the fuck could that makes sense?!!?
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