THERAPY SESSION 1

I FINALLY WENT TO MY FIRST THERAPY SESSION AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING... Sherry (my therapist) says it is ALL stemming from incest... As soon as she said that I started tearing up inside. I didnt feel the effects of my incest at all, I dont even think about it. But she knows and says she sees the commonality between me and the other women, including herself, and the issues that come with incest survivors. My father, older cousin, some guy in another residence, and my sisters dad were my abusers and I never had a man around to take care of me because my mom was gay. (She is now Bi) My sexual behavior started when I was 5 years old and Im still the same way: sexual, needy, wanting a mans attention or love and the list goes on... I just wrote another journal before this one. I poured my heart out on the first one and when it was deleted (I tried to copy and paste) I felt like my heart was just ripped out of my chest and thrown in the tall grass to be never seen again!! Im going to try to explain as much as I can again but I am so hurt that my first entry isnt here. It was so hard for me to write it and now I have to re-write and remeber everything again... I had to wear my glasses when I spoke to Sherry about my incest. I couldnt have her see me I was so embarrassed. I never looked into her eyes, and when I did, it was only to hear what she had to say. I told her so much by the time I left I was bare naked in front of her. I realized during my therapy I was alone the whole time. Throughout my childhood and even as a teenager I was alone. I was calling out to people in my heart and no one cared or even asked if I was okay. No one came and told me GREAT JOB or HEY YOU SHOULDNT DO THAT. I was just scolded alot and punished and no one cared about KRYSTINE. Sweet Krystine in her innocense and pain. No one even wanted to know about my likes and dislikes, what my favorite color was, NOTHING!! As Sherry made me realize this through therapy I just started to cry. She even said there may be a possibility for ADD and I should check it out.  I felt that there was something wrong when I was younger because I got told to do the same things over and over. I couldnt remember a thing and even till this day my attention span is shot to high heaven. I think Sherry noticed it too because she would ask me questions like, "So what did you get from what I said" or "How do you feel about what I said." Maybe its her job to do that I dont know. But I must admit, as much as I wanted to listen to every word Sherry said, I spaced out about 4-5 times during the session!  I was just not accepted anywhere and because of my ADD, I was looked upon, scolded, and told how much of a dummy I was. I believed I was stupid and retarded. Thats where me validating myself went out the window. I have so many problems trying to make up my mind about things I should or shouldnt do or go for.  I always do things that other people suggest because I trust them to make a good decision. I dont feel like I can make good decisions for myself... It was so hard for me to tell her how I was not accepted because I was too dark to be hispanic in the hispanic community (Im Dominican) and I was too hispanic to be black in the black community. I got into alot of fights in highschool and racism follows me till this day. After my session with Sherry I felt so shity I wanted to just yell at the top of my lungs and cry all the pain from so many years. I wanted to cry a river and drown everyone that made me who I am today!! I hate this person that I had to be in order to fit in and be accepted because no one would accept me!! I want to leave this person behind and be ME. Sweet little me!! Im crying right now because having assistance in opening your eyes to this sad life is just too much. Although I am low right now I am UPDATING MY GOALS: CROWNING MY HEART because I am loving myself by getting the help I need. TRUST AND VALIDATE MYSELF because everyone said I didnt need therapy and I trusted myself to know I did. BECOME STRESS FREE because this is helping me become stress free in my mind knowing Im not going to be like this and hate myself forever. Thanks Sherry....and thanks to everyone who read this. I hope it helps someone...

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

You might have been alone when you were younger but you are definitely not alone now. Im so proud of you and taking such a big step and opening up your heart to a stranger so many people who find that so difficult but yet after everything youve been through you still have that strength. You mentioned you feel like you cant take decisions for yourself well maybe thats in the past because you definitely took the decision to see this therapist. Youve come so far really and Im always here if you need anything and a lot of us are here for you. Youll never be alone sweetie!! Great job :)
deleted_user
deleted_user

Dont cry, its going to be okay, now you\'re beginning a new chapter in your life & it starts with therapy.Im so happy that you loved yourself enough 2 get help! Ms. Sherry just wants what\'s best 4 you. I know how you fell, I felt the same way but you have us on DS 2 support you! Have you tried moving away? if so, im glad for u and try to go different places metting new ppl like volunteer in plays, college poetry, etc. hope this helps!