Then Crash...

Well, I was feeling better about 3 hours ago then crash. I am completely bummed. I just wish i could pull my hair out and scream and cry at the same time. I need to talk to that doc about my meds or see someone, can I really wait until next friday or will I end up in the psych hospital again.

I feel so completely awful, like nothing will ever get better and there is no hope. I wonder why I don't just curl up in a ball and stay there. I don't want to die, no when I'm rational I don't, I'm afraid of death...but...when I'm in a mixed state i get impulsive enough to grab knives and aim them at myself. My husband had to pull one away from me about a month ago...it was horrific because he thought for sure that I had penetrated the skin he was feeling for the blood but he is stronger than me and pulled it away. I don't think about dying all the time, I don't want to die, but stuff like that scares the shit out of me. I mean, people say what was so and so thinking when they killed themselves, I don't think they were thinking...i know in that moment I could have done it and would have if he wasn't there.

It's Friday night, I should be enjoying my life but I just can't right now. My poor husband, he should and deserves a healthy wife...but I feel no good. He understands though...he gets depression and takes Lexapro, but he doesn't understand the mixed states and mania. He doesn't understand he just knows I'm not myself.

I wonder if I will be able to sleep tonight. I feel like getting drunk, but I guess that would be self medicating and no good. Besides, in the hospital they wrote on my diagnosis with bipolar mixed episode that i was "alcohol abuse" early remission. Because a year or two ago I did drink pretty regular mostly on the weekends. But I haven't wanted a drink in a while until tonight.

i'm just ready for some peace and tired of the uncaring attitude of the woman i talked to at that doctors office. I may call back up there monday and tell them what I think, or maybe when I get there the 14th I will write it on my little forms that will be my medical record..f u f u for not giving a crap about me.