Their Truth
They had power over me. They controlled and ruled me. I risked my life numerous times for them. Then one day they said I was "guilty". Their truth was the only thing that mattered. Theirs is the truth that I believe in. Theirs is the truth that I still believe in. Their truth changed my life. Their truth forced shame and humiliation on me. I still believe them. This is the conundrum - how to begin again with their truth? How to live with their truth? I can not reconcile my shame. I can not. They controlled the circumstances. They created the circumstances and forced me to live within them. They controlled everything. I believe in their truth and their circumstances.
Replies
While I can’t pretend to understand what you’ve been through, just want to wish you a peaceful day in new beginnings. None of us can rewrite our pasts but we can all hope for so much better in the future.
Huge hug Thor.... I'm not sure what your story is my friend and I am so sorry that other people's power is defining who you are now...… I have felt shame and guilt at the hands of others who I believed as well ….
What I do know is that we don't deserved to be diminished ….. Another hug and a blessing while you sort through your pain.... I to hope that you can find some peace...….xo
When you have an Illness and are part of an organization that expects you to practically be perfect to work within their Rules and do your job, they expect you to just ignore that Illness and act like it doesn't exist so you can do your job and give you very little if any support. Then when the illness becomes to much, the "help" they give you is governed within their Rules, their Definitions and success of treatment they grant....and then they use their altered version of Reality to decide your Fate.
The Truth was/is you have a Mental Illness that you had no control over, no Fault in and not much help being treated for. The Circumstances where ones they put you in with no chance of Success and expected you to Succeed...also Not your fault.
The fact that you made it in that world as long as you did, and made it out and have managed to get to this point of working on your issues and seeking new Dr.'s and Treatments that are helping you work through all of this is amazing Spencer. I think that's the part you don't give yourself credit for....because it is Amazing.
Take care.
Kat
Kat - Thanks. This post is about my primary PTSD. I have been working this for the past several months in therapy. I will, probably next week, disclose to my employer my diagnosis, my treatment, hospitalization record, and compliance with my medications. This is a requirement of my employment.
You know my story now, Thor, since I shared about my family of origin getting in touch with me through a lawyer last week after ten years of freedom from them. That's how they are--their "truth" is all that matters. I'm fine as long as I'm away from them and their gaslighting ways.
We're not alone. The term "gaslighting" comes from a movie that became popular because there was an audience of millions who knew what it was like.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
"The term originated from the British play Gas Light (1938, but originally performed as Angel Street in the United States) and its 1940 and 1944 film adaptations (both titled Gaslight). The term has been used in clinical psychological literature,"
gas·light
gerund or present participle: gaslighting
manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.
"in the first episode, Karen Valentine is being gaslighted by her husband"
It's a horrible thing to realize, but you're not alone. Many of us here have been gaslighted, too. I certainly have, as you know. But here we have a safe place for finding our truth for ourselves.
Muji - Thank you for the comments. I never looked at it as gaslighting but you are right. I am so wrapped up in this it is hard to see the way out. I think I have a way out but my depression and anxiety still believe the fiction.
Since you're not "Active Duty" and work as a Civilian for the Military have you ever considered refusing to or limiting what information you give your Employer? Like saying okay I have this "Diagnosis" but that's all you need to know. Because the "standard" is definitely not that it's legal to force to you to give medication lists, hospital records, medical records or treatment plans, much less a Diagnosis.
Generally in the few Occupations that require Disclosure of a Diagnosis it's purely to include/exclude them from doing that job and it happens in the beginning of a career....not 20 or 30 years after you've been doing it.
OlderCPer - I'll make a journal entry about it as it has weighed on my mind greatly these past few weeks but something I will need to execute soon.
I agree completely with the gaslighting AND with regards government if that is what your perception is built on sweetie
They are sooooo 'a house of cards'
A lot of corruption however what they say often goes until new rules or a different government comes to be
They sell their own down stream all the time
We have an illness
You are so kind to
everyone else
The next time that you want to beat you up pretend it's one of us...What would you say then?
It's great that you're working with a therapist
I hope that it will help you...Big squishy hug
Thanks SunCloud. I am trying to move on and move beyond this but my heart won't let it go. You make a good point on what if this was someone else. What would I say.
Sending you lots of support & many prayers
Big hug
I think a lot of this is a lie. Those with power write the history. Their history is what consequences came from. Their history is the only one that matters. I am still stuck with guilt and shame and there is no way out.
I can't take away the guilt and shame, Thor, but I can add pride to it. Not only feeling proud for your past service fighting for the nation, but pride in your fight here for your own PTSD recovery. I get how hard it is for you every day, and every day I log back on to find you fighting the good fight once more I'm inspired by your example. I really am, Thor, because I have flashbacks to combat every day myself to where I got PTSD as a kid in missionary service, and I need your inspiration, so thank you for fighting on, hard as it is.
Thanks. I hope the TDoc can help me. These last several weeks have been on my Primary PTSD (I have a couple of extra, yeah for me). We actually got into very loud raised voices last time.