The Worst Year
2014 was the worst year of my life, of course, the year I lost my child. I was happy to see it end, but it wasn't the kind of closure where you can just wipe your brow, say "Whew, I made it" and move on...because Cassi isn't coming back just because it's a new year. Now, "That" date is fast approaching...that damn date...February 2nd. One of her friends texted me the other day, said that she had picked up a yogurt and glanced at the "Best if used by" date...saw that date, that heartbreaking date, that devastating date.
I feel I might be losing my mind. I wish I could, I wish it would just turn to oatmeal and free me from all this heartache. I understand grief is not a linear journey, but this plunge back into the depths of despair...She really isn't coming back, is she???
I can't even remember any good memories...I don't know how people can do that. But then, my loss is a different kind of destination, as she ended her own life, so violently, so final...she didn't play around, she meant to do it. Sadness discolors all my memories. She MUST have had some happy times, right??? But she was such an enigma, such a puzzle...she compartmentalized different aspects of her personality, showed certain people what she wanted them to see. I found a notebook where she had written about it...about how no one knew the real her, ALL of her.
I come here to write, I write my blog, I post on facebook...I get the same or close to the same responses and to be honest I would be telling other mothers the same as they tell me...but I never feel it applies to me...It doesn't help to tell me it's not my fault, I blame myself for everything. I now believe I had her to live vicariously through her...to heal the little girl in me by loving and spoiling and protecting her, and in the end her life, which I wanted to be so happy, turned out so much worse than mine had been...up until I lost her anyway. She never knew the pain of losing a child and I will never know the joy of being a grandmother.
People don't understand when I say I am scared of February 2nd, they say that I have made it this far, that I am strong. I have no doubt I can survive it. My fear is of the pain, my fear is not wanting to survive it.
I take my prescribed medications...I don't know if they work, I would have to stop taking them to find out and that is a terrifying thought. But I have a new problem now. I take a large dosage of xanax every day, 6 mg. A 2 mg bar 3 times a day...it's not a happy pill. I don't believe there is such a thing but it seems to keep me relatively stable. It's not working as well as it once did. I suppose it's possible I am more emotional and in more pain anticipating "that" day...but it is also possible that I have developed such a tolerance for them that I need more. My psychiatrist told me he had never prescribed that high of a dosage before me, he had never prescribed over 4 mg per day, so I don't think he will give me more.
I feel I might be losing my mind. I wish I could, I wish it would just turn to oatmeal and free me from all this heartache. I understand grief is not a linear journey, but this plunge back into the depths of despair...She really isn't coming back, is she???
I can't even remember any good memories...I don't know how people can do that. But then, my loss is a different kind of destination, as she ended her own life, so violently, so final...she didn't play around, she meant to do it. Sadness discolors all my memories. She MUST have had some happy times, right??? But she was such an enigma, such a puzzle...she compartmentalized different aspects of her personality, showed certain people what she wanted them to see. I found a notebook where she had written about it...about how no one knew the real her, ALL of her.
I come here to write, I write my blog, I post on facebook...I get the same or close to the same responses and to be honest I would be telling other mothers the same as they tell me...but I never feel it applies to me...It doesn't help to tell me it's not my fault, I blame myself for everything. I now believe I had her to live vicariously through her...to heal the little girl in me by loving and spoiling and protecting her, and in the end her life, which I wanted to be so happy, turned out so much worse than mine had been...up until I lost her anyway. She never knew the pain of losing a child and I will never know the joy of being a grandmother.
People don't understand when I say I am scared of February 2nd, they say that I have made it this far, that I am strong. I have no doubt I can survive it. My fear is of the pain, my fear is not wanting to survive it.
I take my prescribed medications...I don't know if they work, I would have to stop taking them to find out and that is a terrifying thought. But I have a new problem now. I take a large dosage of xanax every day, 6 mg. A 2 mg bar 3 times a day...it's not a happy pill. I don't believe there is such a thing but it seems to keep me relatively stable. It's not working as well as it once did. I suppose it's possible I am more emotional and in more pain anticipating "that" day...but it is also possible that I have developed such a tolerance for them that I need more. My psychiatrist told me he had never prescribed that high of a dosage before me, he had never prescribed over 4 mg per day, so I don't think he will give me more.
Replies
Dear Gina: 6-7mg of xanax is alot . I take 4mg. and my Dr. told me 4mg was the highest dose.he would give. They sure help me sleep. It is my Rosalinds angel day today. She has been gone 12 years today. So sad. . All you can do is get up and go o n each day. I did not cry much this time. I just feel tired been thinking about it all week. You will surviive it. have a nice week. hugs mMaryAnn
Yeah, I take half of a .25 and it wraps me in cotton. Dtr. takes much more, and it slows her thinking down, too. Yes, we do get through it. All of us. We survive, and holding hands, we comfort one another, together. We\'re a solid bunch of mothers grieving the deaths of our children. Is there anything sadder? I don\'t think so. And we all feel guilty, if only, couldof, shouldof, it\'s routine by now.
But they\'ve left us and we are here. Hoping to have peaceful times, hours, even. Just not being in pain...we can only take so much. And dear pal, suicide has got to be the worst. So I am hugging you tighter. Love, Abby
Understanding that anticipating Feb. 2nd is filled with so much sorrow and deep sadness.
Thinking of you and sending loving care dear Gina.
Wishing that none of us had to know this path and somehow offering a hand to another is part of the healing. Hope you feel mine in yours.
Hand in hand and Heart to heart,
Joanie
I can\'t believe I lost that reply. Sending u lots of love and hope you feel it wrapping around you. Hugs, Kathy
Oh my dear Gina. I wish there was some way I could be there to hug you and cry with you. No words of wisdom here. It is just rotten, horrible, and so undeserved. Cassi should be there with you.
Wishing you love and peace now, on February 2nd and always.
Tight hugs of understanding,
Marlene
It is so difficult, coming upon the first year. Somehow it seems to seal the reality of it all. It hurts so much, I know...
Oh, Gina. I so know what you are writing about. I will say this... You have navigated the horrible, painful yet numb year of firsts. That is big. The second year is almost upon you and with it you will notice things begin to change. Not quickly and not over night. But things do change. Some for the good and some, because of the tiniest of cracks in your shell of numbness, will be new and painful in different ways and you will navigate this as well. We are here, you are not alone. Breathe, cry, scream, rant and then breathe again...
(hugs)
Merrilee
There are no words, that will help ease your pain. Sad, but true. just know that we understand and we are all here for you. One day at a time, dear Gina....
(((HUGS)))...Julia
I am sorry for your loss and for your grief.
Reading all the comments from your friends here who also are going through grief/loss.
I wish there was something that I could say to ease your suffering,but I know there is any.
My heart goes out to you.
Hugs/Compassion
I feel so much like you do inside.......... I do not know what it feels like to really \'feel\' anymore. just numb. I have 6 more months before I hit \'that\' date for the first time. I can only imagine how you are feeling. I am here for you......... we are ALL here for you. Love and hugs
Lisa
We are mothers we feel responsible for what our children do because we raised them to be good people don\'t take drugs taking your life is wrong etc.. Then when tragic things happen is it our falt ? what did I do wrong.
In the end we did nothing wrong, at sometime in our life we have to make a decision \" pick your battles\" and \" does it affect me or just the child\"
These are the hardest things in life, until we lose a child.
If your meds are not working see the Dr to get them changed. I was on the same meds for 6-7 yrs Then a new drug came out I tried it and I kept it. It is adjustable in its dose so if I am having a very bad time I can up it for a time then go back down. You must find something that works for you.
Sending tight hugs and extra for Feb, since I will be on a vacation .
Penny