The worst ever

I don't even know where to begin.  This is the absolute worst I have ever been. Depressed isn't even the word that could describe it. I feel absolute s****y. I'm so down, down on myself and everything else that has to do with me too. I can't even get myself to explain. Since I've been balling it all up and putting it way deep down in me to try to not cry. That I feel like I wanna just write my feelings and thoughts and get all those sad emotions out. If I write it on paper or on here.  But in some weird whinny way, once I get in position to do so, I change my mind. I don't want to document it anymore. I mean what's the point?  Before I would document stuff for my daughter to see when she grows up one day. But I don't know if that will happen anymore. What's the point for anything anymore. Honestly, I don't even get the point why I should be as fortunate to breath the air here on this planet. I just don't care anymore. What's the big picture about caring? In all honest to God truth be told,,,   I miss my daughter. I hate myself because I miss my daughter. This is the longest I haven't seen her. More then a month. Breaks my f' in heart. My boyfriend keeps trying to get me to leave the drugs alone by getting me to not hang around with my drug user friends and slowing my consumption down. So instead of a gram everyday and a half, it's now a gram every four days. I went to six days a few times but I can't. He even thinks I already quit smoking cigarettes. But I'm lying to him. I never stopped using white and smoking cig. How can I ? And how does he actually expect me to ? He knows this situation I'm in.  knows my heart hurts and it's sore to the touch. And f' in fragile. He knows when I think of her I cry. And when I cry, I hate myself and when I hate myself , I run to drugs. And my vicious cycle keeps continuing and continuing. Nothing is getting better or any easier. If anything, more pathetic. More inpatient. More depressing and more having the desire to be non existent to this place. Mann, I hurt. I just wanna see my daughter. I know your probably thinking if I can see her. But I can't, I can't.  CPS closed my case. I lost and failed. I failed my daughter and myself. And when I asked her father if I can see her he said I need to find an independent facility that handles supervised visitation. In other words, he wants someone to watch me with my daughter. But he's just being hard because, all the other ppl who watched my visits with my daughter and me, all had said they don't feel I would do anything to cause harm to my daughter or put her in an unsafe place or situation. But it's the father who wants to make things difficult for me. Well, he is. It's working and he's winning.! Mann, I hate myself. I really Damn there do!!. Mann,  I don't think he believes in karma, what goes around comes around. I mean,  I don't know if he can comprehend  that if I can last thru all this torment and years have gone by, does he really think she's not gonna hear from me and my family about all the crap and shit he put me thru ? I know what your thinking too,  because of what I did to her but everything else in the middle and end. I was hardly giving the chance to make up for it. Look, with that whole CPS process. I was only allowed to see my daughter every Thursday and Friday from 1:00 to 2:00.   2 hours a week, is how much I got to spend with my daughter. When she was one month old until she was 13 months old.   How do they expect a person to want to beat they're substance abuse disorder and reunify with they're children , when an addict like me who wants to get clean, and be that mom like the good Lord intended I should, is only allowed to see they're newborn and growing baby for that small amount of time?.. hell no. Ask anyone who is or has been in these shoes , how easy was it for them to live off of that amount of time away from they're child and still succeed. I guarantee you nobody has.  Because, it hurts. Anyone who is drug addicted will tell you, nope, it hurt too much that I couldn't allow myself to get clean and sober! That pain, horrible! Now do you, whom ever is reading this, understand my pain. And know now why I am losing interest in remaining to keep my two feet on the ground. Mann, I hurt.  I don't know what else to say.. I guess I give up now. Nothing else more to say or do. My whole world is starting to sink and cave in. I'm just gonna go with the flow and sink with it all. Who cares anymore .