the world is vast
My insides change so much and I feel so variable. Perhaps we all have to deal with the changes within us. I just wish there were a set of benchmarks to pick and stick by to keep my life in Working order. Like church, like work, it's all there I just have to open my eyes to avail myself of it.
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as much as i wish i could be a mechanically calibrated machine, i'm stuck being one of those variable biogenic life forms.
poor poor pitiful me. . .
but within the chaotic bioweb lives those working orders to ground me when i open my eyes to avail myself of it.
:-)
I was sitting at the pub and thinking about this journal conversation with you Arfie.
and after sitting at the bar - feeling like connecting with the bartender
and yet worrying about acceptability and boundaries
and I noticed how when I relaxed and said things impromptu people were very friendly
and yet I recoiled in fear...I wondered about that - about the boundary we keep - about my own variability and the benchmarks I keep - to keep constant - or would like to keep - to keep myself going in life. -
protected and en pointe. I thought about religion as a filter for life - and for my subjective self
to keep protected and on track. and so it's like there are two me's - the one who is so objectified
to keep humane and compassionate - and then the personal one who I must give to.
So I recognized this and felt empowered by my filter - and protected -
this really helped me - and I felt reassured that I am doing ok.
I then came home and was doing my usual routine - and I thought about that relationship of keeping
myself on track -
and I decided that "staying at home" - and just watching tv - even though it's my schedule of my own creation
is probably not the best thing to do for myself - at least in the sense that I haven't planned any other
interaction for the day.
I'll keep that in mind :)
peace and god night