the will to pay the bills

I had a good morning. I woke up easily at 5am - and immediately went about

my business on my phone...paying bills and checking texts...

I accidentally shut my eyes and fell back to sleep until 555am. uh oh

Didn't shower but brushed my teeth and ran down to church to light

the candelia around the narthex, church and entrance to the building

and then rang the bell.

I find myself relaxing with the duties here. I used to get lost in the mysticism

and spirit of the chants and singing and readings. Now I find myself just awake

to what I need to do next. I know it's taken me over the year to become like this,

but it is finally, thankfully finally, happening. It's a happy lightness to the work

I am doing. As I said yesterday, I still hope for someone special in my life - 

but that very much is Blue. 

I still question the beliefs here at times - but I think it's healthy and as someone said to me

many, many question their faith - even the saints....and indeed they write about it.

I wish I could tell you where my questioning was today - but suffice it to say -

I questioned during service and then went off into a daydream - but then brought

myself back to the light attention I needed to have to serve my role in the services.

Now I am back in my room and I am taking care of Blue. Writing this post

and then getting on with cleaning up the room here. I am grateful for this

new found focus - it's a gentle sense of agency that I want to put to good use

in my time outside of duties here at the monastery.