The Whole Nine Yards part 2
Journal about "NBD":
Whenever I'm around people who say things like "no big deal" in regards to things I'm feeling I feel like a piece of shit. It feels like they're saying- you're not important. Like they are saying I'm not a big deal. Emotions are a big deal. Life is a big deal. I'm talking to this dude and he's a fox news watcher- yuck! And last night was the first time he told me about the fox news thing. I came at him about it bc I fucking loathe fox news. And it clearly bothered him- I don't know to what extent- but I could tell he was bothered. I can tell he still is. He said it last night too- not a big deal. It sounds an awful lot like- shut up and smile. I don't think this guy is it for me.I apologized this morning for how I came at him. And again he said- no big deal. But it really is a big deal to me. My views are a big deal. Someone seeing eye to eye w me on important issues is a big deal. I'm a fucking big deal dammit. I hate when people do that- try to not feel any form of negative emotions. I can't be with someone like that. I guess We'll see.
Aftermath:
I feel so unbelievably stupid right now. I binged like a beast yesterday. I bought a bag thursday night which I hate myself for doing and I binged thursday and friday. I sent this dude a message yesterday that he didn't respond to. I probably shouldn't have sent it. But I did bc I felt like an idiot for what I sent to him on wednesday. Bc I can't deal w men like him. He reminded me so much of my dad. He did the same thing to me that my dad used to do and that my entire family used to do and I did the right thing- I left. I walked away. Then I felt bad afterwards- like I do. And I tried to take back what I did- not the leaving part but the part where I might have hurt this dude. Might being the opportune word. Bc I most likely didn't affect him at all. I can't believe how many unbelievably embarrassing things I've done bc of how I grew up. I feel so ashamed. I fucked up on work yesterday. I just fucked up the whole week. I feel like a colossal failure. That's real. I'm sorry god. Please forgive me. I'm sorry for squandering my many blessings. I'm sorry for not staying with myself. Please help to take this shame from me. Please let me stay with myself. Please let me work this weekend. Please help me to stay away from this house and its misery. Please help me to take full responsibility for my actions and leave here today.With that dude- Its better than staying there for years. He could have taken years or months- like john did. That was going to happen. That's what I stopped. I lost a week. That's all. That's really not that bad.Dudes like that don't appreciate women like me. They never have. They never will. I knew that when I spoke to him on the phone the other night. I did the right thing. So why couldn't I just not second guess myself? Bc I grew up w everyone telling me I was always wrong and it doesn't just magically disappear. I hate myself right now. But I'm gonna be my own best friend. I'm going to comfort my inner child. I was 12 when I wrote that message to him the other night.But I didn't fuck up. I dodged a huge bullet by doing what I did. Huge. The only downfall is that I looked really fucking stupid to this dude. Like- this dude thinks I'm a fucking basket case. But you know- that okay with me. Bc he won't come back around. He won't be john. I did the right thing. Why am I scared of what one man thinks of me? I've been thru so much. And I'm worried about one dude's opinion? That's just funny. I did the right thing. Its just over now. Nothing's wrong. Maybe that's what's hard to deal with for me- I walked away from some potential bullshit. I dodged a bullet. And nothing's wrong.
Whenever I'm around people who say things like "no big deal" in regards to things I'm feeling I feel like a piece of shit. It feels like they're saying- you're not important. Like they are saying I'm not a big deal. Emotions are a big deal. Life is a big deal. I'm talking to this dude and he's a fox news watcher- yuck! And last night was the first time he told me about the fox news thing. I came at him about it bc I fucking loathe fox news. And it clearly bothered him- I don't know to what extent- but I could tell he was bothered. I can tell he still is. He said it last night too- not a big deal. It sounds an awful lot like- shut up and smile. I don't think this guy is it for me.I apologized this morning for how I came at him. And again he said- no big deal. But it really is a big deal to me. My views are a big deal. Someone seeing eye to eye w me on important issues is a big deal. I'm a fucking big deal dammit. I hate when people do that- try to not feel any form of negative emotions. I can't be with someone like that. I guess We'll see.
Aftermath:
I feel so unbelievably stupid right now. I binged like a beast yesterday. I bought a bag thursday night which I hate myself for doing and I binged thursday and friday. I sent this dude a message yesterday that he didn't respond to. I probably shouldn't have sent it. But I did bc I felt like an idiot for what I sent to him on wednesday. Bc I can't deal w men like him. He reminded me so much of my dad. He did the same thing to me that my dad used to do and that my entire family used to do and I did the right thing- I left. I walked away. Then I felt bad afterwards- like I do. And I tried to take back what I did- not the leaving part but the part where I might have hurt this dude. Might being the opportune word. Bc I most likely didn't affect him at all. I can't believe how many unbelievably embarrassing things I've done bc of how I grew up. I feel so ashamed. I fucked up on work yesterday. I just fucked up the whole week. I feel like a colossal failure. That's real. I'm sorry god. Please forgive me. I'm sorry for squandering my many blessings. I'm sorry for not staying with myself. Please help to take this shame from me. Please let me stay with myself. Please let me work this weekend. Please help me to stay away from this house and its misery. Please help me to take full responsibility for my actions and leave here today.With that dude- Its better than staying there for years. He could have taken years or months- like john did. That was going to happen. That's what I stopped. I lost a week. That's all. That's really not that bad.Dudes like that don't appreciate women like me. They never have. They never will. I knew that when I spoke to him on the phone the other night. I did the right thing. So why couldn't I just not second guess myself? Bc I grew up w everyone telling me I was always wrong and it doesn't just magically disappear. I hate myself right now. But I'm gonna be my own best friend. I'm going to comfort my inner child. I was 12 when I wrote that message to him the other night.But I didn't fuck up. I dodged a huge bullet by doing what I did. Huge. The only downfall is that I looked really fucking stupid to this dude. Like- this dude thinks I'm a fucking basket case. But you know- that okay with me. Bc he won't come back around. He won't be john. I did the right thing. Why am I scared of what one man thinks of me? I've been thru so much. And I'm worried about one dude's opinion? That's just funny. I did the right thing. Its just over now. Nothing's wrong. Maybe that's what's hard to deal with for me- I walked away from some potential bullshit. I dodged a bullet. And nothing's wrong.
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