The Whole Nine Yards part 1
So the following is all of my journaling about this one dude named Jimmy:
I deaded a dude I was talking to tonight. By other's standards I might have overreacted. But to me I did the right thing. We had gone out last night for the first time. Prior to that we had been speaking for a couple of weeks via messaging. We spoke a lot about life and what we wanted. He seemed great. But I felt like I was getting mixed signals so I sent him a message saying so- he responded that he liked me and he was all in. I was happy with that. In that message I explained to him how important it was to me to have someone be attracted to me and to show it- I specifically said I didn't want to guess. Then we speak on the phone the other night and he tells me how this other chick is hot and I got upset bc he's never complimented my appearance in anyway- and he's telling me this other chick is hot. He explained to me that mental attraction has to be there before the physical attraction comes into play. I said ok. We continued to speak. Then last night we went out and it was great. He looked good as hell and the conversation was off the hook. We hugged goodbye and hello. I was really excited and happy. Then he texts me telling me he really enjoyed last night and asking me what I thought- i said "me too- you first.". Now maybe I'm wrong- but we first met each other so you would think a word or two would be applicable regarding my appearance. He said nothing. He said I seemed very real. So I said the same. Then I asked- verbatim- "was my appearance acceptable to you?". No response. 20 min goes by and I said "oh come on now- it couldn't have been that bad.". He replies with: "Your appearance was just fine lol why would that be an issue silly :) would it have been better if I threw you on the table and had my way with you right then. Lol". I responded w "well we never met before- so most people would have an opinion on someone's appearance when they first meet them. I did try my best to look good for you. I usually do when I'm with someone. So it means something to me when someone appreciates my efforts.". He responded with "Not saying you didn't look good but I have to have the mental attraction be 4 physical and or looks first if that makes sense?". I responded with "Yeah it makes perfect sense. I guess I just thought the mental attraction was there already. Look it is what it is. I guess next time I'll rock some sweats- If its all the same anyway". He responds w: "You did look very nice sweats r just fine by me lol....I have no problem w someone being relaxed and natural, no make up exc. If that's who the person is and that's who I'm going to wake up with then that's fine by me.... ". I said that's cool but that's really not the point. He said "yeah I get it!" I responded w "If you thought I looked nice then why didn't you just say that? I told you things like mean something to me. I go out of my way to look good for you- you should feel good that someone likes you enough to do that." At that point he told me to call him. I was already crying at that point. I told him I was emotional and needed a few minutes. He said "wow, really. Ok." So then I call and he tells me about the last chick he was with and how he was very complimentary w her and she took it the wrong way- like he was just looking to get laid. Then he tells me about these 2 women he had issues w and how one moved out a exactly a year ago and that she came back and texted him and he spoke to her but started to ignore the text when she asked him to come over, etc. He told me he almost married her. Yet when we were speaking via messaging of the last time he was in love he told me it was in 2005 and the woman died of a rare form of cancer. So obviously those 2 stories don't match. And a lot doesn't add up- like the fact that he said repeatedly that he needed there to be a mental attraction before physical and then when I push it to the limit he tells me the story about the chick who thought he just wanted to get laid. So that means that all that bullshit about mental before physical was just that- bullshit. It seems he's driven by other women and what they want. He seems to wait to see how other's react before he's makes up his mind how to act. I don't want that in a man. That and he seems to see nothing wrong w bending the truth a little to fit his purposes- like w the thing about the last time he was in love. It just felt like bullshit to me. All of it. I felt an incredible amount of angst today when it came to him. We ended up speaking about it last night and I told him that I needed someone to tell me how they felt. He said he could do that. But he didn't seem to be sorry for not doing it. Maybe he was but he just didn't say it. But to me- I need it to be said. I don't want to teach someone how to act. I thought about going out on another date with him and I just know that I would still feel apprehensive. I don't want that. I don't want to feel anxiety. I think he might be great in a relationship- but we aren't there yet and right now I just felt ill at ease. I didn't want to wait to feel good. There was just too much bullshit too soon. So I sent him this message on ok cupid:"I don’t know where this is going. To be honest- up until yesterday- that was fine for me. We were just talking and starting to date. Then last night happened. And now I just think I like you more than you do me. I think I’m all in and I think you’re just kind of testing the waters. That’s how it feels. I think if we were to go any further it would be a lot of me begging for affection that you don’t feel is necessary to give and I just don’t care to do that at this point in my life. I had a really great time last night. I thought the conversation went really well and I found you very attractive. Then afterwards you just made me feel really stupid. Like it was so much for me to ask for you to make a one sentence comment about what you thought about my appearance. I had to actually ask you if my appearance was acceptable to you. I shouldn’t have to ask something like that. And then- even after I blatantly asked you- you ignored my question. I had to ask again before you responded. To me- what I asked was so minor. Yet it seemed to be such a big deal to you. I know you said you CAN tell me how you feel- and I believe that you’re capable of it if you really want too. But I have my doubts as to whether you even care to or whether you’re just happy doing exactly what you’re doing and I’m just throwing a wrench in it. It feels like you’re just kind of going along for the ride. In my eyes- you asked me to call you last night b/c you didn’t want to come across like a dick. I appreciate that. But I’m not looking for someone to do the right thing just b/c it’s the right thing to do. I’m looking for someone who wants to be with me and has absolutely no problem showing it and I feel like maybe I’m just a little too much for you. I was thinking about you today and something told me to go on okcupid and see when you last logged in. Normally I would never do something like that- but something told me to check. It said you last logged in at 1:54 AM this morning. That’s what inspired me to write this email. I think maybe I put more hope into this than I should have. Like I told you- I’m a one man woman. I guess we’re in the phase of the relationship where we’re supposed to be seeing other people- but I just don’t care too. It takes too much energy. To me- when I’m there I’m 100% there until I’m gone. I’m not looking for you to pledge your undying love to me after meeting me only once- but I’m also not looking for something casual. Maybe you are. That thing you said yesterday about needing to be mentally attracted to me before the physical is there- I really thought we were both already mentally attracted to each other. It took me by surprise when you said that. I think I thought a lot of things that were just not accurate. To me- we don’t have to be in a committed relationship to be able to say “You look good tonight.” To me- that’s a very casual thing. It is unbelievably easy and effortless for me to say things like that to you. I guess I want to be with someone who feels the same way. Because if not then I’m going to feel like I can’t express myself without feeling really stupid- so I just won’t- and to be honest- I really enjoy being complimentary and flattering to people I’m with. Making people feel good makes me really happy. It’s a big part of who I am and I enjoy being myself. Right now I feel scared to be myself in front of you because I feel like I’m going to be rejected and I don’t like feeling that way. I guess we’re all here to learn. I still think you’re great. I told you a lot about my life and maybe that’s the reason why I feel so incredibly vulnerable around you. So maybe that’s my fault- Maybe I opened up too much too soon. I just think I’m looking for more than you’re looking to give at this point in time. Thank you very much for dinner. Usually I’d cook something for you to pay you back- but it is what it is. Just know that I appreciated it. And I appreciated you being so nice to me on the phone last night when I was crying. It’s very hard for me to be that way in front of people and I appreciate you being so cool about it. You seem like a good man. I really hope you find what you’re looking for."I feel bad for rejecting him. Normally I stay long after the point of initial disappointment. But you know- nothing good ever comes of that. I always look back on the scenario and I can pinpoint the moment where I should have walked away. Between him and I- That moment was today. I don't care how long I've seen it differently- I deserve to be happy. I deserve to get excited and have it go well. I deserve to not live in fear of what might happen next. When that happens a relationship is over. He is a nice guy. But we're just not meant to be. And I want someone I can look forward to dressing up for. I want joy and excitement. I want to not have my heart shattered.I know he was better than most I've been with. But I knew in my heart it just wasn't right and I have to learn to trust my instinct. He did eventually make good on it. But its what I had to do before it got to that point. He didn't just concede the point when I told him I went out of my way to look good for him and I wanted someone who appreciated my efforts. He kept arguing w me. I had to get to the point where I was flipping out before he took me seriously. I just don't want that in a man. I need awareness. I told him straight up that attraction was important to me. Why did I have to go thru so much before he finally acknowledged my point? I don't want that. I don't want a mind reader either. I spent a lot of time explaining myself to him before I got to this point. its just not what I want. So I had to go. I'm not going to tell anyone else this story. It seems like people think I'm overreacting and that makes me feel bad. I don't think I'm overreacting. When I say I'm upset I want someone to take that seriously right away. And I deserve that.
I deaded a dude I was talking to tonight. By other's standards I might have overreacted. But to me I did the right thing. We had gone out last night for the first time. Prior to that we had been speaking for a couple of weeks via messaging. We spoke a lot about life and what we wanted. He seemed great. But I felt like I was getting mixed signals so I sent him a message saying so- he responded that he liked me and he was all in. I was happy with that. In that message I explained to him how important it was to me to have someone be attracted to me and to show it- I specifically said I didn't want to guess. Then we speak on the phone the other night and he tells me how this other chick is hot and I got upset bc he's never complimented my appearance in anyway- and he's telling me this other chick is hot. He explained to me that mental attraction has to be there before the physical attraction comes into play. I said ok. We continued to speak. Then last night we went out and it was great. He looked good as hell and the conversation was off the hook. We hugged goodbye and hello. I was really excited and happy. Then he texts me telling me he really enjoyed last night and asking me what I thought- i said "me too- you first.". Now maybe I'm wrong- but we first met each other so you would think a word or two would be applicable regarding my appearance. He said nothing. He said I seemed very real. So I said the same. Then I asked- verbatim- "was my appearance acceptable to you?". No response. 20 min goes by and I said "oh come on now- it couldn't have been that bad.". He replies with: "Your appearance was just fine lol why would that be an issue silly :) would it have been better if I threw you on the table and had my way with you right then. Lol". I responded w "well we never met before- so most people would have an opinion on someone's appearance when they first meet them. I did try my best to look good for you. I usually do when I'm with someone. So it means something to me when someone appreciates my efforts.". He responded with "Not saying you didn't look good but I have to have the mental attraction be 4 physical and or looks first if that makes sense?". I responded with "Yeah it makes perfect sense. I guess I just thought the mental attraction was there already. Look it is what it is. I guess next time I'll rock some sweats- If its all the same anyway". He responds w: "You did look very nice sweats r just fine by me lol....I have no problem w someone being relaxed and natural, no make up exc. If that's who the person is and that's who I'm going to wake up with then that's fine by me.... ". I said that's cool but that's really not the point. He said "yeah I get it!" I responded w "If you thought I looked nice then why didn't you just say that? I told you things like mean something to me. I go out of my way to look good for you- you should feel good that someone likes you enough to do that." At that point he told me to call him. I was already crying at that point. I told him I was emotional and needed a few minutes. He said "wow, really. Ok." So then I call and he tells me about the last chick he was with and how he was very complimentary w her and she took it the wrong way- like he was just looking to get laid. Then he tells me about these 2 women he had issues w and how one moved out a exactly a year ago and that she came back and texted him and he spoke to her but started to ignore the text when she asked him to come over, etc. He told me he almost married her. Yet when we were speaking via messaging of the last time he was in love he told me it was in 2005 and the woman died of a rare form of cancer. So obviously those 2 stories don't match. And a lot doesn't add up- like the fact that he said repeatedly that he needed there to be a mental attraction before physical and then when I push it to the limit he tells me the story about the chick who thought he just wanted to get laid. So that means that all that bullshit about mental before physical was just that- bullshit. It seems he's driven by other women and what they want. He seems to wait to see how other's react before he's makes up his mind how to act. I don't want that in a man. That and he seems to see nothing wrong w bending the truth a little to fit his purposes- like w the thing about the last time he was in love. It just felt like bullshit to me. All of it. I felt an incredible amount of angst today when it came to him. We ended up speaking about it last night and I told him that I needed someone to tell me how they felt. He said he could do that. But he didn't seem to be sorry for not doing it. Maybe he was but he just didn't say it. But to me- I need it to be said. I don't want to teach someone how to act. I thought about going out on another date with him and I just know that I would still feel apprehensive. I don't want that. I don't want to feel anxiety. I think he might be great in a relationship- but we aren't there yet and right now I just felt ill at ease. I didn't want to wait to feel good. There was just too much bullshit too soon. So I sent him this message on ok cupid:"I don’t know where this is going. To be honest- up until yesterday- that was fine for me. We were just talking and starting to date. Then last night happened. And now I just think I like you more than you do me. I think I’m all in and I think you’re just kind of testing the waters. That’s how it feels. I think if we were to go any further it would be a lot of me begging for affection that you don’t feel is necessary to give and I just don’t care to do that at this point in my life. I had a really great time last night. I thought the conversation went really well and I found you very attractive. Then afterwards you just made me feel really stupid. Like it was so much for me to ask for you to make a one sentence comment about what you thought about my appearance. I had to actually ask you if my appearance was acceptable to you. I shouldn’t have to ask something like that. And then- even after I blatantly asked you- you ignored my question. I had to ask again before you responded. To me- what I asked was so minor. Yet it seemed to be such a big deal to you. I know you said you CAN tell me how you feel- and I believe that you’re capable of it if you really want too. But I have my doubts as to whether you even care to or whether you’re just happy doing exactly what you’re doing and I’m just throwing a wrench in it. It feels like you’re just kind of going along for the ride. In my eyes- you asked me to call you last night b/c you didn’t want to come across like a dick. I appreciate that. But I’m not looking for someone to do the right thing just b/c it’s the right thing to do. I’m looking for someone who wants to be with me and has absolutely no problem showing it and I feel like maybe I’m just a little too much for you. I was thinking about you today and something told me to go on okcupid and see when you last logged in. Normally I would never do something like that- but something told me to check. It said you last logged in at 1:54 AM this morning. That’s what inspired me to write this email. I think maybe I put more hope into this than I should have. Like I told you- I’m a one man woman. I guess we’re in the phase of the relationship where we’re supposed to be seeing other people- but I just don’t care too. It takes too much energy. To me- when I’m there I’m 100% there until I’m gone. I’m not looking for you to pledge your undying love to me after meeting me only once- but I’m also not looking for something casual. Maybe you are. That thing you said yesterday about needing to be mentally attracted to me before the physical is there- I really thought we were both already mentally attracted to each other. It took me by surprise when you said that. I think I thought a lot of things that were just not accurate. To me- we don’t have to be in a committed relationship to be able to say “You look good tonight.” To me- that’s a very casual thing. It is unbelievably easy and effortless for me to say things like that to you. I guess I want to be with someone who feels the same way. Because if not then I’m going to feel like I can’t express myself without feeling really stupid- so I just won’t- and to be honest- I really enjoy being complimentary and flattering to people I’m with. Making people feel good makes me really happy. It’s a big part of who I am and I enjoy being myself. Right now I feel scared to be myself in front of you because I feel like I’m going to be rejected and I don’t like feeling that way. I guess we’re all here to learn. I still think you’re great. I told you a lot about my life and maybe that’s the reason why I feel so incredibly vulnerable around you. So maybe that’s my fault- Maybe I opened up too much too soon. I just think I’m looking for more than you’re looking to give at this point in time. Thank you very much for dinner. Usually I’d cook something for you to pay you back- but it is what it is. Just know that I appreciated it. And I appreciated you being so nice to me on the phone last night when I was crying. It’s very hard for me to be that way in front of people and I appreciate you being so cool about it. You seem like a good man. I really hope you find what you’re looking for."I feel bad for rejecting him. Normally I stay long after the point of initial disappointment. But you know- nothing good ever comes of that. I always look back on the scenario and I can pinpoint the moment where I should have walked away. Between him and I- That moment was today. I don't care how long I've seen it differently- I deserve to be happy. I deserve to get excited and have it go well. I deserve to not live in fear of what might happen next. When that happens a relationship is over. He is a nice guy. But we're just not meant to be. And I want someone I can look forward to dressing up for. I want joy and excitement. I want to not have my heart shattered.I know he was better than most I've been with. But I knew in my heart it just wasn't right and I have to learn to trust my instinct. He did eventually make good on it. But its what I had to do before it got to that point. He didn't just concede the point when I told him I went out of my way to look good for him and I wanted someone who appreciated my efforts. He kept arguing w me. I had to get to the point where I was flipping out before he took me seriously. I just don't want that in a man. I need awareness. I told him straight up that attraction was important to me. Why did I have to go thru so much before he finally acknowledged my point? I don't want that. I don't want a mind reader either. I spent a lot of time explaining myself to him before I got to this point. its just not what I want. So I had to go. I'm not going to tell anyone else this story. It seems like people think I'm overreacting and that makes me feel bad. I don't think I'm overreacting. When I say I'm upset I want someone to take that seriously right away. And I deserve that.
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