The Wheels Are Falling Off...
I suppose that with my true feelings as buried for they've been for as long as they've been, this was going to happen. But I didn't think the wheels would fall off in anywhere near the matter that they have this week.
The problem is just the pain that I feel from letting said feelings out. I don't know what else I can do with these feelings except feel them. And it really, really sucks. I can't believe the number of regrets I have from being a master of hiding my emotions, and most of them are falling into the range of "why did I let this happen" or "why has it taken me so long to do this", or something similar like that.
I also can't help but think back to the opportunities I had as a kid to get help, because believe me when I say that having had Asperger's Syndrome and cerebal palsy on long before I was officially diagnosed has just made matters much harder. My parents much have tried 4, 5 times. But I was afraid that whoever it was I was sent to would send me to the Happy Valley Nut House because I thought somebody had inflicted my other ailments on me (I've since learned better)...so I said nothing. Nothing at all. Not even a peep.
I'm now wishing I had. It's like I'm paying a huge price for letting my emotions stay so deep for this long.
The regrets and resulting hurt have been so bad that this week -- which was supposed to be a catch-up run -- is instead going to be a total loss (survival mode season is officially in effect for the next 9 weeks). I didn't sleep well for the first four nights, so by the time Thursday came around I was effectively a zombie. I still don't feel myself today (unsurprising, because you can't recover from a streak like that overnight).
The only good thing that will come from this is that I know which finals are not cumulative, so I have a pretty good idea of which readings I'm going to have to consider gone for good. But that's pretty much it.
I don't blame anyone here because sooner or later I was going to have to start coming to terms with my past whether I wanted to or not. That's just something which is not in dispute.
But I didn't expect that so doing would do this much to me.
The problem is just the pain that I feel from letting said feelings out. I don't know what else I can do with these feelings except feel them. And it really, really sucks. I can't believe the number of regrets I have from being a master of hiding my emotions, and most of them are falling into the range of "why did I let this happen" or "why has it taken me so long to do this", or something similar like that.
I also can't help but think back to the opportunities I had as a kid to get help, because believe me when I say that having had Asperger's Syndrome and cerebal palsy on long before I was officially diagnosed has just made matters much harder. My parents much have tried 4, 5 times. But I was afraid that whoever it was I was sent to would send me to the Happy Valley Nut House because I thought somebody had inflicted my other ailments on me (I've since learned better)...so I said nothing. Nothing at all. Not even a peep.
I'm now wishing I had. It's like I'm paying a huge price for letting my emotions stay so deep for this long.
The regrets and resulting hurt have been so bad that this week -- which was supposed to be a catch-up run -- is instead going to be a total loss (survival mode season is officially in effect for the next 9 weeks). I didn't sleep well for the first four nights, so by the time Thursday came around I was effectively a zombie. I still don't feel myself today (unsurprising, because you can't recover from a streak like that overnight).
The only good thing that will come from this is that I know which finals are not cumulative, so I have a pretty good idea of which readings I'm going to have to consider gone for good. But that's pretty much it.
I don't blame anyone here because sooner or later I was going to have to start coming to terms with my past whether I wanted to or not. That's just something which is not in dispute.
But I didn't expect that so doing would do this much to me.
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