The week that changed time
Well,Been forever since I've journaled - it hurt too much! and I was sleeping so much. Rather than my normal 4 hour nap after church on Sunday it was to bed at six and up again Tuesday mid day - groggy til Thursday, Started waking up yesterday - thinking started to clear up a bit, too. Just enough to think I ought to be intuitive and productive, but not enuf to get anything done, however like for instance - TOMORROW's SERMON and service and planning for after church program and Making sure everyone else is on track and ready to go.Errr... it's one o'clock. HEEEEELP! I know where I am going sermon and service wise, but I have nothing on paper - not even any typewritten notes that I could organize into a freeflow outline and talk from that (I usually manuscript my sermons - but then don't really read it, just follow it - it's for just in case my head stops working during the service - God be praised, that hasn't happened in any major way, dare I say, YET. Anyway. I appear to be coming out of a good month and a half of major flare up. with more pain and more fatigue (usually get one or the other more predominantly at a time) and more neurological symptoms that usual. Thank God the anxiety that came with this flare (eeeeeeew - haven't had that in ages) plus bad aphasia, worse than usual resless legs and body, inability to remember form one moment to the next what i was thinking, tremendous weakness in my body, aaaaaand -Rats! there I go again forgetting a name - oh! got it Right! my first case of peripheral neuropathy in 6 years por so. God save me - I've been able to keep my sense of humor - mostly of the absurdity of life with CFS or other similarly bizzare invisible illnesses. for the most part. Also cried hysterically over stupid things - like whehn the Kitten (an feral kitten abandoned at 5 or 6 weeks - aptly named Lucky- came to cuddle on the couch one night when I couldn't sleep. It was hot and i was hurting so I had piled up pillows and my favorite soft blankie around me to soften things. So Lucky kitten usually has an hour or two of kitten madness around bedtime when she runs from one end of the house to another banking off whatever impeeds her cheetah like race - often soft skinned humans who suffer the wrath of kitty claw. (ooh I cried when that happened once last week, too!) So there I am - almost falling asleep (hooray!)and up comes kitty looking for someplace soft to snuggle down. Or so i thought. It was so nice - cause she usually only cuddles with my ma and even then only for a while just as they are getting sleepy.I felt so comforted by her little fuzzy presence til I sensed something wrong, opened my eyes and saw her poised to piddle - I grabbed her and tossed her to the ground (no worries - she's nearly a year old now and very sturdy) and jumped up to run her to the cat box. Then i felt and smelled and saw it. Pee onjammie pants, on my favorite pink fuzzy blanket and my favorite cushie pink pillow - but worst of all - on 2 cusions of the couch.! I got hysterical immediately attacking the couch first with a rag and an enzymatic cleaner, at the same time yelling at the cat between sobs, dashing outside with the yucky wet bedding and jammies, then back to the couch for more cleaning and prayingf that I could get the urine out. Now normally nothing sinks in thru the fatory scotchguarding - but this time it HAD . I was furious at the cat! But mostly with myself because I'd been saying I'd replace the litter in the cat box for 5 days, and feeling so sick and weak, just hadn't been up to it. So I was storming around the house crying and frustratedly trying to clean things up while also trying not to wake everyone else up. I took the catbox out and dumped the old litter in the big trashbins at the other side of the lot. Then I went and got my alternate catbox - cause it was after 1 am and I sure as heck wasn't taking the time to wash, sanitize and dry that box! then I filled the new one with two bags of lovely fresh litter crystals, grabbed the kitten of my mom's bed (where she was slinking around as if hunting for another place to leave an unmistakable message that as kitty parents our family was currently in the doghouse for leaving a dirty box go) and plopped her in the newly freshened and cleaned box and waited to see if she got the message. She did. We all did. I went to be and cried some more - just venting frustration with this damnable fatigue and how it makes the smallest things SO huge sometimes.HOWever... Something always comes out of my worst times. This time the pain and fatigue and this time will be no different. Yes it was a bummer to have my neices best friend here with her for the first week of her 4 month stay and not be able to do all the things I wanted - they had the fun of figuring out where things were by a combination of my illegibly scralled maps and directions - with occasional cel fone guidance - they found my favorite sea turtle beach (not the one the tour vans bring hundreds of Russian and Japanese visitors to each day ( we have to have a volunteer army of Honu Guards at that beach to keep visitors from touching, poking, prodding and otherwise disturbing the Honu as they bask in the sun . And of course from provoking one into snapping wioth those sharp steely beaks - it could happen...) anyway my girls properly forwarned not to bother or touch the Honu not only found the beach where the turtles come but also the best place to get snorkle gear in Hale'iwa town, but they also went snorkeling with the Honu, finding a friendly old gal to swim around with them. They found their way to Diamondhead without me (not that I could climb that! If I coulnd't climb the Great Wall of China when I was not majorly flared and fairly fit I sure am not trying Diamondhead while I am. Nor even the Swap meet. This buggery disease places it limits fer sure. (O for the days of Before the Beast, when just 5 years before visiting the Great Wall I'd been in Paris where climbing the Eiffel Tower was no real deal and carrying my backpack and my mom's the 4 stories to our rooms in the many penziones we stayed at all over Italy and France and Nederlands and Germany was not bad at all... Where I got up early and walked the streets of cities and villages at dawn and visited with the merchants as they set up their stalls, and drank espresso with the fishmongers and other workers before the tourists crawled out of bed. I love to walk and climb, and I can't do that much now. I don't believe this will be forever. so for now, well, I just have to find other things to do. I was well enough to drive with them to the Pali look out and tell them the stories of King Kamehameha and hisn victory (slaughter of) over the king and warriors of Maui. But they at 18/19 got to be independent and find their own ways and make their own adventures. It was wonderful to hear their stories and see their pictures and learn that they did find the obsure little market I told them about, or ate at a favorite local place I'd mentioned.And since this week was a wash intellectually - I got practically zero work done, and what I would complete or spin out in my head, I soon forgot anyway.I'm used to doing things by memory, or with a list - since i couldn't manage lists last week I was forced to rest more. And by yesterday evening when my thoughts were beinning to stick and memory to serve me again I forced myself to drag out a desk calendar and write down everything I could think of that is coming up in the fall andn winter. I'm also going t record each day's activities and symptoms and such - so I can track the disease b etter, but also so that when my memory sucks (or get's sucked away maybe?) i'll be able to refer to the calendar to see what I did in the last weeks and what needs doing yet. Because with the fatigue and neuro issues I can only make it , not even day to day but hour to hour sometimes. This week I had a plan for my sermon and service that seemed perfect in terms of the journey my congregation is making, and the things they need to be reminded of as they travel through issues of attachment to the past, and the people who went before, and the people they were before... traveling through letting go of what is comfortable and well known and venturing out into a place they can't yet see, and don't yet know how to navigate. Last week my sermon was very challenging, painful even to some, though the timing was right, and the messages had to be spoken. This week my plan was to follow though on a path that makes total sense as the next step, or preparing them for the next step in nthe journey. Logically it made sense. Intellectually and and organizationally it makes sense. Most weeks with my brain in gear I would have had the first draft done by Tuesday, my vision was so clear of what they needed to hear and what the scripture was saying.Lucky for me, and them, the CFS went full bore fatigue, pain and neuro. So wasn't able to pursue that direction this week. God used that gosh awful disease to keep me from making a possibly major mistake in hitting them too hard and making them resesntful reather than feeling prepared. it's late afternoon now, and I've been trying to write the sermon all day.nothing.Finally i realized I too had to let go. Of my own stubborness, my sense that I know what is right and what they need - how arrogant is that? I mean, it is my job... and specifically the purpose for which I was called to the church, but had I not been sidetracked by "the week that wasn't" I might have bulldozed or steamrolled when something more loving, more gentle was appropriate. There will be times for prodding and calling out. But other times call for other messages.So. I await inspiration. As I'd promised a trip to the mall (where a big food drive and fun things are happening today) I'd be working on something now.But once again I am being if not stopped, slowed down a bunch. (absolutely not my personality style) I hope I'll get my inspiration tonight, but sometimes I am caused to wait upon the Lord, as it were, till the last hour. Sometimes in the pulpit the spirit moves and i have to trash my well developed manusripted sermon and speak what the spirit places in my heart. Well - I don't even have a manuscript. But I have this experience... one of suffering, and finally giving in and letting go, and finding peace and answers and guidance, power from weakness.I can think of at least 2 other people in church who have had major events in their lives this week that have similar themes. perhaps we'll be talking story in church during the sermon time. Prayer and Share - eww - that's a new thing to them. It's not that much of a spontaneous testimony church... but - they are flexible in worship. So we'll see what the spirit brings. whoa baby - this is good practice for controlling old me.