The wedding
I play the viola in a string quartet. When I got hired to play for this wedding, I agreed because I like the women in my quartet and didn't want to turn them down when they asked me. On this cloudy day I drove to the church, that looked eerily similar to the one I got married in. It was my first gig since Aaron passed.
As I saw the happy couple say their vows, with so much love, I felt a mixture of emotions...It was an older couple who were getting married which I found to be a nice change of pace.
I first felt the memories of how in love I once was and how I believed that I won the most wonderful prize of a man...then my mind fast forwarded to that day
Then I thought about how much I don't believe in love anymore. I love my children and my family but the idea of ever finding a soulmate again just feels totally fictional. It feels like this completely abstract and impossible thing. What I believed in before, changed that day.
Hearing these words of devotion and love just sting...I kept my promises
The wedding made me uncomfortable. I didn't cry or anything like that. But I just tried to tune out as much of the vows and etc as possible. We play when people are walking in to sit down, for the wedding party, bride...and then when they are pronounced man and wife.
My arm was sore from carrying my baby girl around...and so I messed up in "Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring." That piece is also in 9/8 time so its easy to get confused if you aren't very focused...Nobody noticed. I was very glad when the wedding was done and I could go back to my children.
As I saw the happy couple say their vows, with so much love, I felt a mixture of emotions...It was an older couple who were getting married which I found to be a nice change of pace.
I first felt the memories of how in love I once was and how I believed that I won the most wonderful prize of a man...then my mind fast forwarded to that day
Then I thought about how much I don't believe in love anymore. I love my children and my family but the idea of ever finding a soulmate again just feels totally fictional. It feels like this completely abstract and impossible thing. What I believed in before, changed that day.
Hearing these words of devotion and love just sting...I kept my promises
The wedding made me uncomfortable. I didn't cry or anything like that. But I just tried to tune out as much of the vows and etc as possible. We play when people are walking in to sit down, for the wedding party, bride...and then when they are pronounced man and wife.
My arm was sore from carrying my baby girl around...and so I messed up in "Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring." That piece is also in 9/8 time so its easy to get confused if you aren't very focused...Nobody noticed. I was very glad when the wedding was done and I could go back to my children.
Replies
You can be so proud of the strength you demonstrated today. You knew it would hurt, and yet, you put the needs of your friends before your own. You are an intelligent, talented, and loving person, and there will be a young man who will appreciate all of those qualities, and your children. Never give up on that, Stephanie. We all hurt so much right now that it seems like happiness will never be within our reach again, but, I believe it will be. We just have to keep that tiny flame within burning, until it becomes a fire once again. Hugs to you and your children;
Robert
You are going to find times like these constantly. After my husband died, I was hired for a nursing home as social serivces. It went faily well until I had to deal with a hospice situation.. I dealt with the dituation then I had to leave the building for a short time to get grounded so I could get back to business.. The next time was easier..... It does get easier. The memories are always there and will continue to be there.. BUT it gets easier.. DAy by day it is easier.. Take care of yourself...
Deliberately making a choice to face a dragon takes great courage and inner strength. Bravo, well done.
Thank you all for your supportive and encouraging words. We are all going to make it. It just seems impossible right now. Thanks :)