the way things are supposed to be...
I know this title may sound really childish - but it's an important realization for me and or just good reminder about how
I was unaware of my thinking.
I was taking care of Blue earlier. He really wanted food - and yet I couldn't give it to him as he is on a diet.
He was crying (fighting me willfully for me to bend and give him the goods.)
I tried to play with him (he just isn't a playful cat.) I wondered why he couldn't occupy himself so well without me.
I wondered why he has such a startle response (I don't know his history but I am very consistent and very gentle with him).
My Dad has said "it's good he has a personality."
But essentially it made me
just know that while I want to deal with him with a sense of fairness and virtue and good parentage - it also has me wondering
why my boy (Blue) is the way he is - but it also makes me accept him for who he actually is -and how he is in the world.
It's a kind of acceptance that enriches my outlook, I love having him and on averages we have a really lovely relationship.
Much like it must have been to be a parent of me - I cried a lot as a child and was also very sensitive but my parents had
to accept me and they loved me for who I am.
I took one of the parishioners out yesterday for what turned out to be a 13 hour marathon tour of the Washington DC and outlying areas.
I really didn't want to do it at first but ultimately I just changed my perspective and 'made a day of it' - I decided to just have fun.
Indeed it was fun. The gal I was taking got on my nerves a great deal at times (honestly) - I kind of held onto my integrity
for a while but then I knew no one corners the market on that stuff and she was my responsibility
and we did on averages have a nice time - she became a friend and now I know her -
there was kind of a happy acceptance that neither of us were perfect - and
yet I was aware of dealing with her with a kind of virtue. I felt like I was taking care
of her - and indeed she was my charge.
One therapist said to me about this kind of thing is that when in a relationship "Do you want a relationship
with yourself or someone else?" in other words 'there are two people here' - and each person brings crap at times - much like
Blue does too as well as me. It just a really productive day for me yesterday because I knew wasn't looking for perfect anymore
but I was looking for a virtuosity in myself to understand the other - it gave me insight into our emotions and behaviors - and that enriched my sense of love and knowledge
of what my job is.
I went to the pub this afternoon. I realize I can stick out like a sore thumb at times when out in the world - it happense
time and again i think - but I kind of understood today how to talk
to the people at the pub today - my efforts were just kind of fueled by this new understanding that I mentioned above within me.
The pub is my special time outside of the monastery...but I can't look to the folks there to treat me special in some
fanciful 'this is my special time way' - it is myself
knowing how to talk to them better that came to me that helped me feel real or relating and aware- I don't know if this is making sense - but I just got today that not sticking my head to far above the radar was a way to talk to them - and yet also I treated myself to some nice things. AND that was nice.
I can't think of my pub time in a kind of magical thinking way - 'the way things are supposed to be' but rather I am grounded in the reality of diversity and virtue (hopefully) and can just make a time for myself that is more awake to the dynamics within me and outside of me - and so adjust to keep it grounded for myself. I had a really good time.
Anywas I hope this makes sense. I went to the bank this morning as well, I walked away from that spinning a bit - but
I caught myself and kept on target because I knew that they just had their own way and human nature type things.
Here is a pic I took out in DC yesterday. Merry Christmas! SO grateful for love, peace and joy and friends and family!!
Replies
Glad you were able to work out your"relationship" with your charge yesterday. That can be really hard for a lot of people.
I like your picture.
I know I wrote to you about my cats' diet, 1/8 cup in am and 1/8 cup in evening but I also give them 1 teaspoon of the diet food in the afternoon and that keeps them happy and a tsp isn't going to hurt anything. Maybe you can do that for Blue and it will satisfy his hunger pangs.
Good for you for getting out and about Marky
That's always hard for me
Spending 13 hours entertaining someone you don't really know is a big deal
I'm glad that you can relax at the pub and are starting to make friend's
That's nice
Cool pic in Washington!!
Thanks Janet and Becky!
Sometimes I think I have to be this perfect fortress of a person and perfect fortress of a man. I don’t want to make mistakes but I’ve seen my pattern of that crazy kind of expectation on myself and I can’t expect that of others. My instinct to cut folks slack is good but it would also be good to give that to myself.
I’m also seeing how inevitably we’re supporting each others’ sense of morale and good outlook. I have this crazy idea that I shouldn’t? But maybe I can see like that it takes a village. That we are all being self responsible and taking care of our relationships and each other in community too.
It’s hard to keep on track so key by ourselves. That’s why we are a most excellent tribe. We do that for each other, though still gotta be self responsible and keep on keeping on
It’s ok to be helped!
It feels like I broke myself today.broke my mind. Always the pressure to be on. I’m appreciating, the tribe of the support group, the tribe of the monastery the tribe of my family and friends. Why is it like I think my life should look like someone else’s or something else. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. I want to go for a significant other but really can’t, should my life look like someone or something known or understood?
i find myself pasting your pict into a cinematic portrait of anonymity. the multiple reflections which show the most of the host while leaving out enough detail to stump facial recognition software.
may i theorate that it was not your mind which broke today, but the royal we by which you held yourself to that strict code of impossible perfection? doncha just love it when someone asks you for permission to do what you couldn't prevent in any case?
See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven. ~Matthew 18:3-4
this morning i wonder if returning to the childish ways is the rebirth of wisdom.
Thanks Arfie!