'The #$% way she goes'
I woke up this morning, and for an instant, it was like everything was normal...and then I remembered that life totally sucks now...it all seems pointless...Tomorrow is my husband's viewing, and then a small service on Monday. Both days will be unbearable. And I feel so guilty...guilty because I didn't just take him home...he had asked me several times, 'I want to get out of this place...just take me home'...but at that time, I had gotten rid of the bed he had slept in, because it was no good any more...and I was waiting to get another one. Moreover, he was still hooked up to IV's, and I actually had hope that he would pull through, at least for awhile...didn't want to risk doing anything that might compromise that...to compound matters,i have a 19 year old son living with me who is autistic, and I was afraid that if I just 'took him home', that adult services would come and remove both my husband and son from my care..so I set up everything with the doctor and red cross to have a hospital bed delivered...I tried to 'do it right'... But by the time that was about to happen, he had taken a major turn for the worst, and the doctor postponed the home care. It was their feeling that I couldn't be there to care for him 24/7, especially in light of the fact that I'm also caring for an autistic 19 year old.
I was at the hospital every single day, and hated leaving. I told him every day, even when I figured he couldn't hear me, that the plan was still to 'get him home'...when he went to the hospice, the room was a little nicer, and at least he had a big screen tv to watch instead of the ceiling. But even still, I told him..'I'm going to get you home'...3 days later, he passed away. It was in the morning, only an hour or so before I would have been there.
The night before, when we walked up the front steps of the hospice, I had an image flash before my eyes of my husband, dressed as he was on our honeymoon...when we to in there, he was in the worse shape he had ever been in...I knew it wouldn't be long...about 3am, I thought I heard his voice calling my name...I went into the bedroom, which of course was empty..again, I knew it wouldn't be long...and it wasn't...
I just can't escape the feeling of guilt, despair, overwhelming sadness that I 'wasn't there' at the time he needed me most. That makes the pain of losing him even harder...I really don't know how I will get through this...I can barely function, and I'm a total mess..
We used to watch a lot of tv together...one show we enjoyed was called 'Trailer Park Boys'...and I was reminded of a line out of that show that one of the characters used to describe the hardships and disappointments in life...'The %$#& way she goes', he said. Well, I guess there's some truth to that statement.
My plan is still to get him home...only it won't be in the way we wanted. But after some soul searching on where his final resting place should be, that was my answer...bring him home.
I was at the hospital every single day, and hated leaving. I told him every day, even when I figured he couldn't hear me, that the plan was still to 'get him home'...when he went to the hospice, the room was a little nicer, and at least he had a big screen tv to watch instead of the ceiling. But even still, I told him..'I'm going to get you home'...3 days later, he passed away. It was in the morning, only an hour or so before I would have been there.
The night before, when we walked up the front steps of the hospice, I had an image flash before my eyes of my husband, dressed as he was on our honeymoon...when we to in there, he was in the worse shape he had ever been in...I knew it wouldn't be long...about 3am, I thought I heard his voice calling my name...I went into the bedroom, which of course was empty..again, I knew it wouldn't be long...and it wasn't...
I just can't escape the feeling of guilt, despair, overwhelming sadness that I 'wasn't there' at the time he needed me most. That makes the pain of losing him even harder...I really don't know how I will get through this...I can barely function, and I'm a total mess..
We used to watch a lot of tv together...one show we enjoyed was called 'Trailer Park Boys'...and I was reminded of a line out of that show that one of the characters used to describe the hardships and disappointments in life...'The %$#& way she goes', he said. Well, I guess there's some truth to that statement.
My plan is still to get him home...only it won't be in the way we wanted. But after some soul searching on where his final resting place should be, that was my answer...bring him home.
Replies
Wendi . . . we all have our respective guilt stories. I\'m so sorry that you are very new in this journey. I remember . . . Jim asking doctors and me to let him come home. I remember his request for me to bring the dogs to the hospital (docs approved, but I needed a second person to make this possible). Neither happened. I could go on . . and on.
We did the best we could with the knowledge, strength and capabilities we had at the time. Period. Please don\'t expend too much time beating yourself up with the \"I should have/could have\'s\". It\'s not healthy and won\'t bring him back. (Sorry)
Now it is about YOU and your son. I know the coming days will be especially difficult . . however, our projection of those coming days can often be our worst enemy. Keep it in the \"moment\" as much as possible. Tomorrow will take care of itself and you will once again deal as best you can without having to over think it.
My deepest condolences for your loss. Arms around you and strength in numbers here on DS. You will get through this. Believe it and own it. You are not alone my friend.
Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Big hug, Dayna
Wendi, you did all you could, and you did all the right things. Honest. Please try not to beat yourself up. We\'ve all done that - me included - but please try not to. He knew you loved him, and that is the most important thing in the world. Sending Love and Hugs your way to your and your son, Martha
You shouldn\'t feel guilty about not being there at the time of death. In his own way, maybe he was taking care of you, so you would not have to watch him die.
I have said that when our loved ones die after long illness, it is a \"long death\" compared with those who die suddenly and unexpectedly. We know for weeks or months that only a miracle can save them. The time of death is just the dramatic climax.
I was with my wife when she died. I almost wasn\'t, but I decided to stay a little later. Our daughter arrived about 20 minutes later and she apologized for not being there \"when it happened.\" I told her I was glad she did not have to watch her mother die, and I was glad she was with me, because I needed some support at that moment.
Two months later my best friend was in ICU in a different hospital, and the nurses said the end was coming. We left during the shift change because they kicked all visitors out of ICU for an hour, and that\'s when he chose to die, when nobody was with him. Maybe your husband also didn\'t want you to be there physically, although he knew you were with him in spirit.
Between the 2nd hospital and the final one my wife was home in a hospital bed. A snafu prevented the Visiting Nurse from coming. I dressed her infections and took care of her the best I could. I knew that the pressure ulcers on her buttocks didn\'t look good, and we had Adult Protective Services involved too because she refused to get care before the first hospital. I begged APS to get someone to come and look at them. but they didn\'t do anything. They brought a wheelchair one day, which we didn\'t need.
I actually thought she was getting better, then one evening I asked her what she wanted for dinner and she was unresponsive, and I called 911 and she went to the final hospital. She regained consciousness, and her son from her first marriage visitted her after being estranged for 20 years, and showed her photos and videos of her grandchildren. Now our daughter is very close with her step-brother too, after 20 years. I also had a rabbi make a chaplain visit, and I told him how tragic it was that it took such terrible circumstances to reuinite them with her son. He thought for a moment, and he said, \"Maybe that was part of the plan.\"
Once she grabbed my hand and thanked me, and she told me that she would not have been able to take of me if the roles were reversed. I reminded her how she took care of me and our young child when I was very sick in the early 90s.
I feel guilty too, about not being able to get her the care she needed when she was home. But our daughter told me I did everything I could, and it probably would not have made a difference even if I was able to get a nurse to visit.