the way I handle things

I was struggling this morning with anger, frustration and a feeling

of not being able to keep safe from the harsh input of the sisters here

at the monastery. But I turned it around. I thought about not

permitting the bad juju that came my way to discourage me

from living the life I want to nor was it anything to take in or hold onto. It feels as if the sisters - at least some

of them - take their frustrations out on me - My reaction to it

was to find inner strength and a kind of determination to be myself

as well as strong enough to not take in the garbage that seemingly was coming

my way. Then I had a nice chat with my Dad - who encouraged me NOT

to spend my time worrying about what people think - and to live my life...!

Time is passing!! It really helped me.

Then I had a conversation with my therapist. First time in several weeks.

It was great to see her - and I conveyed those things that were primarily on my mind -

and what I wrote above, was front and center.

Then I went down to meal service - and then rang the bell - went to evening meal

and then to compline service. We have another service at 8pm and then I'll probably get to sleep

at around 11p- 

Kind of was scandalized in church this evening. One of the Russian Nuns - started

screaming things about prostitutes in the middle of service.  She cried, she screamed

she was angry, sad and so bizarre. She's had meltdowns before - this one took the cake.

Apparently she's gotten a lot better than she used to be!!

Anyways - I came back to my room - and was laying on my bed. I was hungry still - 

I was tired - I was almost woeful - I felt compelled to keep on edge about this evening's events.

But then I thought - I am going to appreciate how I am resting on the bed - 
THAT I AM RESTING ON THE BED - and it filled me with a great deal of consolation - comfort

and peace. The appreciation calmed me down and put me in sync with the action

I was taking, so that I wasn't (finally) missing out on it - and getting even more tired.

It made me realizel "HOW I WAS HANDLING STATES OF MY MIND" - I was hungry

and I was kind of just staying put - I chose to feel like a helpless hungry person -

I was tired and so I was learning to rest in a good and proactive way -

So I just kind of became more mindful about 'how I was handling my states of mind.'

I realize I can definitely learn keep aggressive and not so passive about my life

solutions. I am deciding to act better on how I handle those seeming road blocks

that I can turn around into a positive strategy.