THE VOICES IN MY HEAD WONT GO AWAY...

WELL EVERYDAY I HOPE MY JOURNAL WOULD GET A LITTLE HAPPIER BUT I GUESS ITS JUST NOT MY TURN TO BE IN A GOOD MOOD..I AM STRESSING SO MUCH ON DREAMING AND WANTING A NEW BEGINNING FILLED WITH LAUGHTER,LOVE,HAPPINESS AND STABILITY FOR ME AND MY KIDS ITS DRIVEING ME INSANE....I TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHERE WE CAN LIVE AND HOW TO PAY FOR IT BUT NO ANSWERS COME TO ME....ACUALLY I KNOW I CAN GET SOME HELP FROM THE STATE BUT WHO WILL RENT TO A SINGLE MOM WITH FOUR KIDS AND A SHIT LOAD OF PETS WITH NO REAL INCOME....NO ONE IN THIS AREA THATS FOR SURE....MY HUSBAND GETS DISABILITY ,SO IF AND WHEN I LEAVE THERE WILL BE NO CHILD SUPPORT OR ANY HELP FROM HIM BUT HEY WHATS NEW HE HAS NEVER DONE A DAMN THING FOR THIS FAMILY ALL THESE YEARS SO WHAT WOULD I EXPECT....IT JUST SEEMS EVERYDAY I GET MORE AND MORE DEPPRESSED AND FARTHER IN MY SHELL...I FEEL LIKE THE HELPLESS CHILD AGAIN GROWING UP IN MY ALCOHOLIC FAMILY.....I DONT KNOW WHERE THAT INDEPENDANT ,TAKE NO SHIT PERSON THAT I USED TO BE WENT???? I FEEL SO BAD BECAUSE MY ASSHOLE HUSBANDS LEAVEING AND DRINKING EVERYDAY HAS PUT ME SO MUCH ON EDGE THAT I HAVE NO PATIENCE FOR THE KIDS AND I SEEM TO BE ALWAYS YELLING OR LOCKING MYSELF IN MY ROOM....THAT IS NOT THE KIND OF PERSON I WANT TO BE......I AM WAITING FOR A MIRACLE.....MY DOCTORS HAVE GIVEN ME SEVERAL PILLS TO TAKE AND THE THING IS I DONT WANT ANY.......I FEEL THAT I HAVE TO KEEP MY MIND ABOUT ME .....ITS LIKE I HAVE TO STAY GUARD BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHATS COMEING NEXT...I KNOW I SOUND CRAZY,I HAVE TO SOME HOW PULL MYSELF FROM THIS DEEP HOLE BEFORE I COMPLETELY DROWN...