The Vast Emptiness of No Drama
Okay...so I haven't contacted him in six weeks (yes!!!), haven't even thought about him every second in the last week, am surrounded by great reading, joined an amazing support group, and my life is conspicuously lacking drama but I can't figure out how I feel. It feels like I feel nothing. Is that possible? Do I NEED drama to feel something? I mean I feel content and maybe even a little happy but nothing DRAMATIC. I took the day off today so it is a long weekend for me and although I have a lot planned it seems to stretch before me like an empty desert. I don't want this much time to think about myself. I want to be so busy I don't think at all. It's like I've been through a long endless war, every time I think there's peace the battle starts again. Now that it is finally over I'm happy but I think I have post traumatic stress disorder. I feel like I have been through this huge ordeal and I'm not sure how to get over the after affects. Like one woman was saying the "triggers". It's calm now but I'm scared of those things that will set me off and how do you know they won't and how can I make sure I can handle it. Even though I'm taking a relationship break I am petrified (even panicky!) at the thought of when the time comes to meet someone new. I don't want a guy to even LOOK at me! Healthy seems alien to me. I can't believe it's normal to just enjoy life without the pining, pleading, euphoria of making up, devastation of fighting, desperation to please,sitting by the phone, checking emails and texts like an obsessed woman, mind numbingly exciting sex, unstoppable crying, total depression over and over again. Every emotion was just so BIG and all encompassing. And without them it feels like something is wrong. Is this what normal feels like....so, well, normal?
Replies
#1 ... Super congrats on 6 weeks of no contact!!! That is a great accomplishment fo rus.
I remember all those feelings, all the anxiety about the next phone call, wondering if he was coming the next weekend (he always came, but he never quite let me know until the last minute). He liked keeping me off balance, more control for him. Less control for me. Regardless, I am going to have to let all fo that go. My heart absolutely can not take another punch. It has taken all it can take. Rarely have I been so completely sad after a relationship ends. 5 months later, I still think about him every day (when will that end?) and I still tear up at the drop off a hat. I can\'t allow this to continue. It absolutely has to end.
Hi Arat38, sending you hugs and encouragement. I hope I can last as long as you have without contact!
Thank you for chatting to me the other day when I was at work. Being a new member, I didn\'t realise that I was online and didn\'t realise I could go offline! I logged on quickly at that time to take a sneaky peak at the site for inspiration. Sorry that I had to log off so quickly and I hope we get a chance to chat again soon.
I can relate to what you say about the drama. I have noticed that the last few days have been drama-free and it\'s been quite restful. This has been nice, as I\'ve been so tired. However, I\'m hoping that I can resist any further drama, that I know I am better off without!
What you say about being scared of stuff being triggered off. It\'s so hard. No one wants to feel the pain. Thing is though, I do believe that in order to get over these experiences, they have to be processed, otherwise they will just stay there or become buried only to be retriggered.
We all have different coping mechanisms. I find that it\'s helpful to read as much as I can (books that have been recommended, surfing the net for information) and to talk things through with others who have had similar experiences. This helps me to identify with those others and it kick starts the healing process. That is why I\'m SO pleased to have found this site.
I hope that you can find a way that suits you to get over the after effects of your experience.
I was reading this and found myself relating to it on so many levels. I have found myself looking for things to bring back the unhealthy drama to my life. I feel a void when the \"high\" of my ex\'s emotional abuse is gone and I start to resort back to my old coping mechanisms, ones that were entirely poor choices to begin with.
And I know exactly how you feel about fearing the idea of a new relationship. I know the pain of the old one is still fresh, but I worry that it will just be the same story again.
I\'m pulling for the both of us!!! Hope you are doing well :-)