the struggle that yields fruit
I was just sitting in evening meal. and to be honest it’s very easy to ‘be' here
but I am starting to ask myself if I like it - or perhaps my liking of it here is taking
on new depth and nuance - there's very little risk or need to be dynamic here -
but I am awakening to some aspects of things. I wish my dreams were 'my ticket out'
into my life - - (reminding me of the theme song from Welcome Back Kotter....)
I think the process of having my dreams lead me down a new path is something
I am relaxing into...
I can be good at art - but it is so painful to rely on it - - and it is not something I enjoy
all the time - but as one interview said on the internet recently - find what you're good at
and invest your time and effort into it - really commit - you may not like it completely
but your talent at it will carry you forward and then one day you will be successful -
and at that time you will acquire a passion for it -
Food for thought to me -
things are ok - I suppose I am resigning myself to be here - it is very safe - I am very lucky -
and it is also helping me develop blinders which keep me focused in the process of being
just one person, not the center of attention and a little paranoid
about things - but here on a personal path and mission to my liking - not always interested much in others lately - but I suppose
that is the necessities of my life (and that focus) coming through in a healthy sustaining way.
Following my path -
I think I have liked it here because I just have needed to be one thing - and now I am growing
to be able to seek out other things in my life in increments and not have the whole image of my life
be a question at any given moment - just elements of it - not all
After I wrote this I started having a hard time. Memories came back to me and I’m falling apart in terms of my
stability -. Maybe this too I can reassure myself is just part of what it’s like to be me -that reassurance to stay engaged
and interested - remember my blinders - it
is like me staying on the mental treadmill after stumbling a little bit.
But better yet staying on my path. :)
Replies
is losing the habit of using other people as measuring sticks for your personal measure of self equal to losing interest in other people? in my own case, i believe losing that habit led me to accepting people as they are more often than i see the royal we. so i believe. just believing. proof irrelevant.
from the comprehensive view of following your journal, i opine that the monastic life has been good for you. it seems to have freed you for the magnificent experience of being true to you. may the growth continue. just opining. . .
meddlesome question
were you actively doing art at the time of your breakdown? could you be experiencing ptsd blockage to resuming your artistic expression?
just wondering while saluting the fact that it is yours to sort.
Thanks Arfie!!!
I thik Arf asked a really good question with regards to art sweetie
Could you have some ptsd?
I think you're settling well into your life there but is it all that you want?
Is the grass greener???
You'll have to figure that out sweetie over time
Does it have to be an either or?
I 'm not sure what's expected of you
Big squishy hug...xo
Things got pretty hysterical inside for me earlier during the work day,
But suddenly I realized I could just put the drama aside and just do the work
I got it done and could really stand to do something more meaningful.