The stresses built up

Okay, so here's the story.  Not excuses, just the facts - Things kind of built up for me last week - - - my husband's situation, moving at work, his chronic health issues, not knowing what the future will bring, going through this process of controlling my behavior, finding my true self,and lot of other stresses.  It all hit the fan by the end of the week... I consciously agreed to go to meet a friend for lunch and it was at a casino. Anyway, the bottom line is that I did it and I'm owning up to it - the anniversary of my 4 months away from it.  So - - - here's what I found.  I am the same - a CG, the place was rather distasteful to me, not the excitement I used to feel.  I still could not tear myself away from the machine... kept pressing the stupid button thinking the next time was going to bring a better, super result, only to find it didn't.  up, down, on the roller coaster - - - winning at the end, but still losing overall.  Regrets - not really because there I was at a point that for some reason I had to prove again that I can't handle that environment!  Absolutely not.  And - I sadly told my husband that I was there... he had a sad but knowing look in his eyes and I said - you know what I found out that life is so much better without gambling.. (we have been doing great for the four month period).  He just kind of smiled and shook his head - he wasn't mad, he just knows me and has been loyal and supportive all the way through, though he has that look on his face of WHY?WHY? WHY would you have to go to those places??, that's because he in no way has that inclination, AT ALL.  So thank goodness for that. :] 
That's my story and today I'm actually being very productive; still have most of the $$ squirreled away from the four months, and I am alive and survived the relapse and hopefully the last one. .... it's a crazy crazy addiction.  I'm so glad I have this site to vent my feelings.  Thank you for understanding; I know we have all been there.  On to another four months and more!! The next chapter....
Hugs,
Smokeygirl