The Story- Being Raped continued
Rape The First Time Pt2.
I could not write the second part to this last night because I was so tired my body shut down. My eyes stayed open I just could not type any further.
Well where I left off was fear and declined grades at school. Avoiding him became my obsession. When I was in gym class howvwer the morning after it happen I was in gym class with one of my good friends. I was trying to play things off and hide what I was feeling until my friend pulled me aside on the court and said "are you okay, you look like you just got raped" I pretty much flipped out in my head I said "maybe thats because I was you idiot". I stormed out to the locker room and broke. Luckyly it was the end of class so I grabbed my stuff resl quick when the bell rung and everyone came in. My friend walked as fast as she could to catch up to me and was saying things like "are you serious?" "did you tell someone?" etc. I told her not to tell anyone or I wouldnt speak to her again. Unfourtunaly thats what happend. My favorite teacher at the time approached my in the lunch room that day and pulled me to the hall. I told her everything was fine but she saw straight through me.
The next thing I know I was being called into the counclers office and I shut down. Maybe an hour after I got home child services was at the house my dad was sitting across the table while the CS lady was at the end. I couldn't speak because I looked on his face and it was horrifing. She left and gave me her number. While he was letting her out the door I tried to run to my room which didnt work he started yelling and scream "youre a whore" "who did it" you deserved it" etc. I was terrifed because I had no support when I tried to get up again to go to my room he yelled more to sit back down and swung as hard as he could towards my face. I hand a small book in my hands that he luckily hit when I flinched. That day I went to the hospital and was forced to get tested. Because he used a condom and I did not report it right when it happed, there wasn't any evidance left. The hospital, police, the CS woman and my school knew that something had happend because before then I was a bubble of energy and amazing grades. That all went down the drain. However he got away after he was given "a warning" thats when my obsession of avoiding him became extreemly important. The thing that I did not know until years later however was that he had been moved from the school I was at, so I was running from someone that wasn't even there after that.
Where I still have problems?
It's hard for me to forgive myself because the nursrey schedule was on the board upstairs. So blame. I know I didn't deserve it and that was a true fight and years on years to convence myself that I didn't but I still blame myself for not looking and being stupid. Its made religion suffer. Before I believed in alot and after that and even now I struggle. How could someone so holy put me in such a horrid situation and allow it to happen to someone so small and who loved everyone the way I did? It affects my relationship that I have now only because of "fimilar situiations" Sometimes certain motions or actions make me jerk away or get scared but I've learned that my darling is not going to hurt me like that no matter what the situation is. However when I try to hide that something is wrong and hes looking me in the eyes with a concerned look, I get embarassed, nervous, and ashamed which causes me to shut down. I do wish that when it gets to that, that he would talk to me about it but most of the time that doesnt happen. It gets so confusing and he's a sensitive type of guy so when I have a problem with myself and try to exspress that, he just ends up feeling horrible about himself which makes me more of a mess.
I could not write the second part to this last night because I was so tired my body shut down. My eyes stayed open I just could not type any further.
Well where I left off was fear and declined grades at school. Avoiding him became my obsession. When I was in gym class howvwer the morning after it happen I was in gym class with one of my good friends. I was trying to play things off and hide what I was feeling until my friend pulled me aside on the court and said "are you okay, you look like you just got raped" I pretty much flipped out in my head I said "maybe thats because I was you idiot". I stormed out to the locker room and broke. Luckyly it was the end of class so I grabbed my stuff resl quick when the bell rung and everyone came in. My friend walked as fast as she could to catch up to me and was saying things like "are you serious?" "did you tell someone?" etc. I told her not to tell anyone or I wouldnt speak to her again. Unfourtunaly thats what happend. My favorite teacher at the time approached my in the lunch room that day and pulled me to the hall. I told her everything was fine but she saw straight through me.
The next thing I know I was being called into the counclers office and I shut down. Maybe an hour after I got home child services was at the house my dad was sitting across the table while the CS lady was at the end. I couldn't speak because I looked on his face and it was horrifing. She left and gave me her number. While he was letting her out the door I tried to run to my room which didnt work he started yelling and scream "youre a whore" "who did it" you deserved it" etc. I was terrifed because I had no support when I tried to get up again to go to my room he yelled more to sit back down and swung as hard as he could towards my face. I hand a small book in my hands that he luckily hit when I flinched. That day I went to the hospital and was forced to get tested. Because he used a condom and I did not report it right when it happed, there wasn't any evidance left. The hospital, police, the CS woman and my school knew that something had happend because before then I was a bubble of energy and amazing grades. That all went down the drain. However he got away after he was given "a warning" thats when my obsession of avoiding him became extreemly important. The thing that I did not know until years later however was that he had been moved from the school I was at, so I was running from someone that wasn't even there after that.
Where I still have problems?
It's hard for me to forgive myself because the nursrey schedule was on the board upstairs. So blame. I know I didn't deserve it and that was a true fight and years on years to convence myself that I didn't but I still blame myself for not looking and being stupid. Its made religion suffer. Before I believed in alot and after that and even now I struggle. How could someone so holy put me in such a horrid situation and allow it to happen to someone so small and who loved everyone the way I did? It affects my relationship that I have now only because of "fimilar situiations" Sometimes certain motions or actions make me jerk away or get scared but I've learned that my darling is not going to hurt me like that no matter what the situation is. However when I try to hide that something is wrong and hes looking me in the eyes with a concerned look, I get embarassed, nervous, and ashamed which causes me to shut down. I do wish that when it gets to that, that he would talk to me about it but most of the time that doesnt happen. It gets so confusing and he's a sensitive type of guy so when I have a problem with myself and try to exspress that, he just ends up feeling horrible about himself which makes me more of a mess.
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