The storm blew through.....

It was today. I started having flashbacks to my previous life, with a husband who had cancer. Strange memories. Us having barbq and iced tea on the side of the road. That was our trip back from MD Anderson. I remembered how calm he was to have cancer and know there wasn't a cure. How he kept his strength of character and sense of humor. How he was like a rock.
My soul has been coming apart at the seams today. Today.... One year ago, we got the news the cancer had spread. We came home and he told me he was ready to die. He couldn't take the pain anymore. He laid down and never really got up again. His body weak. I remember seeing him standing at the kitchen counter, fighting the pain caused by the cancer, when he told me he wanted to die. I remember looking into his eyes and knowing that his spirit was gone. It had already happened. The life had slipped away from him. His fight over. It wasn't a pleading look, just the look of a flicker going out. A light dimming. I knew in that moment, the fight was over and he would be dead soon.
The next 2 weeks and 2 days, I tried to keep him comfortable and wait it out. I hated it and loved it at the same time. It was an honor to take care of him. I was losing my best friend.
This is the feeling my heart has had today. I lost my best friend. On this day one year ago.
His death was March 24, but I guess my soul knows in reality that today marks the day that he died. He gave up and decided that he had enough.
It's been a tough day. I am surrounded by people who love me. If I need a hug, all I have to do is ask.
This, too, shall pass.
It's hard to believe that it has been a year. That I have lived without him and maintained our life. That I have a new love interest. That i am better than ok. I am solid in my faith, friendships and career. I am healthy and happy.
I believe that it's just another sign for me to move on. Cry, remember himĀ and move on.
Into another year.

Replies

Mimi1979
Mimi1979

This is so beautifully written. May this next year bring you all the peace, happiness, and love you deserve.

Mary
deleted_user
deleted_user

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless Susan