The start II

Now as I have ventured into my twenties I have realized that it needs to stop. I have always been so overly consumed with my body. I feel like I have been restricting myself and dieting for the past  ten years of my life. I guess it has been successful considering I have remained the same weight since I was in middle school.. but is that really the way it should be? When I find out that I am not going to be able to excersise or that I might have to eat non healthy foods I freak out and I get such extreme anxiety about getting fat. If I do give in and eat something like a sandwitch or a slice of pizza or maybe a cup of ice cream I feel such a disgust towards myself. It's an immense shame that I know should not exist. I could run five miles and be on my feet all day and I still feel this way it never ends. I also can tell that it has a toll on my relationships with sexual partners and friends. I will refrain from events where I know there is going to be bad eating or drinking and even when I am with my boyfriend I won't be able to stop thinking about food or my next meal. In the past I had always restricted myself but recently I have started a new bad habbit where I will take food that I want to eat, chew it up so I get a taste of it and then I will spit it out in a napkin or will walk out of the room and into the trash. I feel so shameful but I can not control myself. Recently I did that with an entire tray of brownies and I felt so horrible about myself after I did not know what to do. Part of me really wants to get better because I do not want to continue to live my life walking around with this horrible weight and dark cloud emcompassing me day in and day out and then at the same time I don't want to get better because I feel like that means that I am going to have to accept that I am going to get fat. I feel so dumb saying it but I am truely scared about getting fat. I do not think I will be able to like myself then and I think I will feel more miserable than I do now.... I just don't know what to do? How can I free my mind and love myself but still be a healthy individual? I do not want to let myself go but I know that I cannot continue living my life like this.