The simple life
So I woke earlier than planned today but that is ok, I have done nothing but sleep in lately!
This will be a busy weekend full of family events. I am happy to get to see everyone and celebrate my grandmother with them as well.
It is a cloudy and unusually cool morning in Dallas. We had a cold front come through and it has been in the 60's overnight and only around 80's for the daytime. I digress. So, I took my dogs out for their walks and felt a peace come over me.
I have written before about how sad and angry I get over the fact that the ex stayed in the house and that it makes me upset because I don't really have room for people to come stay with me at my place anymore...but today, I just felt peace. I live a simpler life now. One that I had wanted for a very long time. One where I could sit and read if I want, one where I am not a slave to a huge house to clean, a huge mortgage, etc. I don't worry about scathing remarks from someone who was obviously falling out of love with me but into control of me. I can slow down and enjoy the important people and events as they present themselves now.
It has taken so much time to get to this point, and I still have my struggles. Times where I hurt deeply because I loved him so deeply. Towards the end I realize it was less about the love for him and more about the struggle to keep my family together and not be a failure. Then I realized. I am not a failure and I never was. It happened. Holding on to the anger does not help me. Holding on to a failing marriage and going through the demise of self and self-esteem would have been far worse than the journey to recovery from divorce.
I am not perfect. I struggle with the ability to be a good mom to a teenager. To find that balance of discipline with love and getting completely railroaded by her. lol.
But as I sit here on this Saturday morning, surrounded by my two dogs, my sweet cat and complete calm/silence, I realize that I am totally going to be ok!
This will be a busy weekend full of family events. I am happy to get to see everyone and celebrate my grandmother with them as well.
It is a cloudy and unusually cool morning in Dallas. We had a cold front come through and it has been in the 60's overnight and only around 80's for the daytime. I digress. So, I took my dogs out for their walks and felt a peace come over me.
I have written before about how sad and angry I get over the fact that the ex stayed in the house and that it makes me upset because I don't really have room for people to come stay with me at my place anymore...but today, I just felt peace. I live a simpler life now. One that I had wanted for a very long time. One where I could sit and read if I want, one where I am not a slave to a huge house to clean, a huge mortgage, etc. I don't worry about scathing remarks from someone who was obviously falling out of love with me but into control of me. I can slow down and enjoy the important people and events as they present themselves now.
It has taken so much time to get to this point, and I still have my struggles. Times where I hurt deeply because I loved him so deeply. Towards the end I realize it was less about the love for him and more about the struggle to keep my family together and not be a failure. Then I realized. I am not a failure and I never was. It happened. Holding on to the anger does not help me. Holding on to a failing marriage and going through the demise of self and self-esteem would have been far worse than the journey to recovery from divorce.
I am not perfect. I struggle with the ability to be a good mom to a teenager. To find that balance of discipline with love and getting completely railroaded by her. lol.
But as I sit here on this Saturday morning, surrounded by my two dogs, my sweet cat and complete calm/silence, I realize that I am totally going to be ok!
Replies
I love this \"Then I realized. I am not a failure and I never was\". Keep that thought my friend!!!
I love your positive attitude. You\'ve encouraged me today. :)
What a wonderful journal you wrote.I can hear your happiness and that you love this new life you are making.
You sound like you are in a great place. I\'m so happy for you. I am also at peace with the outcome. I did have an uncomfortable conversation with someone yesterday after they said \"I sure hope I never have to go through divorce.\" It\'s hard to talk about what happened without leaving people thinking you are bitter. On the other hand, I never want to use the old cliche \"we just grew apart.\"
I hope you continue to enjoy your weekend
I felt like I was sitting on your porch having tea with you as you brought me up to date. It is so delightful thinking of you enjoying your two dogs and cat! Take good care and have a great week.
Thanks everyone. Yesterday was such a great day with my brother and his wife and my two daughters and my son-in-law. I love the fact that we can sit and talk and laugh. I missed laughter so much when I was married!
I know you are all doing so great in your journeys as well. One day at a time right? I might be on here in a week ranting about how bad things are so I needed to write this down to remind me that it really isn\'t bad at all!
Of course you are going to be ok...you still have you.
Wouldn\'t it be tragic to lose you? The real you! Heck, maybe you found yourself, finally. Our upbringing and culture dictate to us that we should project ourselves into finding an identification in the \"stuff\" and the \"activity\" of life.
The implication is...if we don\'t...then we are somehow a loser.
But, nothing could be further from the truth. You have love and love to give.
If a man is not wise enough and smart enough to desire that...then he\'s a fool.
You can educate a man without knowledge...but, you can never educate a man out of being a fool.
Love on!