The Shyness/Alcoholism Connection
There is something I wanted to add to my comments to Dave, that might be better stated here, involving shyness and my own 'drinking past'. Here are some lines from that "Shyness" book about that connection between shyness and alcoholism:
"We often blame our age of anxiety for the high rate of alcoholism; but in all recorded times people from diverse cultures have attempted to transform the 'experience within' and the 'reality without' by mood-altering, pleasure-giving, intoxicating beverages."
--- "it is dramatically evident that alcohol-related problems go hand in hand with other forms of unhappiness." ---
"Some experts believe that the shy person's need to overcome feelings of inadequacy, to be accepted, and to become part of the social group can be directly related to drinking and often to alcoholism."
"Another alcoholic put it this way: Everyone I met in Alcoholics Anonymous was pathologically shy. when I think of why, I am struck by the reasons for my own alcoholism being that drinking 'turns off' the ever present monitor. [monitor, here, being the constant voice of self-evaluating inner critic] Over-drinking turns it too far off into social irresponsibility, but I suspect that alcoholics do drink to begin with because they are so shy."
Perhaps the most eloquent explanation of the dynamics of the shy-alcoholic syndrome comes from one of the author's own relatives who had only recently recognized she was an alcoholic and began the effort to stop:
"It is precisely our concern to love and be loved, to accept and be accepted, that drives us to that addiction to begin with. We are terrified. We are the people who expect every day in various ways for the sky to fall, and we do not expect that it will fall on us particularly, but that it will fall upon those for which we are responsible...From the man who has been sober for nine years to the woman who stopped drinking last week, we will each admit that we like ourselves better and the people we know find us more charming, lovable, sexy, whatever the criterion of acceptance is, when we have a drink than when we are sober. The problem is one drink is too many and one thousand drinks are not enough. What then is it that alcohol does that no amount of good will can do? Fundamentally it makes us less conscious of the prison of self, less fearful to venture beyond its peripheries. For us those boundaries that divide the self from the other never go away. The sober alcoholic is the man in the iron mask. What he seeks in alcohol is liberation from himself; what he wants is for the eternal censor to go to sleep for a few hours. And what makes the temptation to drink so strong is that he knows it works to do just that." --- Phillip G. Zimbardo; "Shyness: What it is and What to do about it.", Perseus Books, Reading Massachusetts, 1977.
The author does state that if the relationship between shyness and alcoholism does exist as a fact, then "any treatment programs must incorporate ways of helping shy alcoholics overcome their shyness in order to overcome their addiction."
In truth, and in my case specifically, the addiction to alcohol is an addiction to a symptom, and not the "dis-ease"; the disease is the shyness caused by the "inner censor and self-critic"; the obsessive-compulsive "self-evaluator" for promoting a need to be ideal instead of real. The "voice" that never stops trying to "not-be-acceptable" in order to prove an introjected belief that we (I am) are not good enough yet as we are; that we always need to be corrected and better.
Everything about this is externally-directed to solve an internal belief that is wrong. The belief that we are inherently "wrong" is what is "wrong" with us. It is the belief that we, as co-dependents, are "wrong" that is what is really wrong. We're not! Being ourselves IS NOT wrong; trying to be "anyone-to-be-acceptable-but-ourselves" IS wrong.
Well, it is dark, overcast, and drizzly outside this morning, and I can't blame that for my mood. This just needed to be written for my sake, based on what I wrote in my comments to Dave late last night, my own history and feelings and experiences, and in my recovery from alcoholism, dependency, and shyness.
I haven't heard anything else yet concerning employment, and I am stopping any negative projections about it. These things take time, and I am okay with that for now. I do expect some sort of response soon, and I will go from there. I could be spending my time still looking for other positions, but I'm not. However, I may motivate myself to do that too, later. I will scan myself for my resistances to keep looking, and experience how it fits with my shyness recovery principles, and go from there. Nothing is scheduled for today yet, so I am open to being myself by knowing and accepting myself better, and thereby growing out of the affects of my shyness symptoms.
Ciao
Rich
"We often blame our age of anxiety for the high rate of alcoholism; but in all recorded times people from diverse cultures have attempted to transform the 'experience within' and the 'reality without' by mood-altering, pleasure-giving, intoxicating beverages."
--- "it is dramatically evident that alcohol-related problems go hand in hand with other forms of unhappiness." ---
"Some experts believe that the shy person's need to overcome feelings of inadequacy, to be accepted, and to become part of the social group can be directly related to drinking and often to alcoholism."
"Another alcoholic put it this way: Everyone I met in Alcoholics Anonymous was pathologically shy. when I think of why, I am struck by the reasons for my own alcoholism being that drinking 'turns off' the ever present monitor. [monitor, here, being the constant voice of self-evaluating inner critic] Over-drinking turns it too far off into social irresponsibility, but I suspect that alcoholics do drink to begin with because they are so shy."
Perhaps the most eloquent explanation of the dynamics of the shy-alcoholic syndrome comes from one of the author's own relatives who had only recently recognized she was an alcoholic and began the effort to stop:
"It is precisely our concern to love and be loved, to accept and be accepted, that drives us to that addiction to begin with. We are terrified. We are the people who expect every day in various ways for the sky to fall, and we do not expect that it will fall on us particularly, but that it will fall upon those for which we are responsible...From the man who has been sober for nine years to the woman who stopped drinking last week, we will each admit that we like ourselves better and the people we know find us more charming, lovable, sexy, whatever the criterion of acceptance is, when we have a drink than when we are sober. The problem is one drink is too many and one thousand drinks are not enough. What then is it that alcohol does that no amount of good will can do? Fundamentally it makes us less conscious of the prison of self, less fearful to venture beyond its peripheries. For us those boundaries that divide the self from the other never go away. The sober alcoholic is the man in the iron mask. What he seeks in alcohol is liberation from himself; what he wants is for the eternal censor to go to sleep for a few hours. And what makes the temptation to drink so strong is that he knows it works to do just that." --- Phillip G. Zimbardo; "Shyness: What it is and What to do about it.", Perseus Books, Reading Massachusetts, 1977.
The author does state that if the relationship between shyness and alcoholism does exist as a fact, then "any treatment programs must incorporate ways of helping shy alcoholics overcome their shyness in order to overcome their addiction."
In truth, and in my case specifically, the addiction to alcohol is an addiction to a symptom, and not the "dis-ease"; the disease is the shyness caused by the "inner censor and self-critic"; the obsessive-compulsive "self-evaluator" for promoting a need to be ideal instead of real. The "voice" that never stops trying to "not-be-acceptable" in order to prove an introjected belief that we (I am) are not good enough yet as we are; that we always need to be corrected and better.
Everything about this is externally-directed to solve an internal belief that is wrong. The belief that we are inherently "wrong" is what is "wrong" with us. It is the belief that we, as co-dependents, are "wrong" that is what is really wrong. We're not! Being ourselves IS NOT wrong; trying to be "anyone-to-be-acceptable-but-ourselves" IS wrong.
Well, it is dark, overcast, and drizzly outside this morning, and I can't blame that for my mood. This just needed to be written for my sake, based on what I wrote in my comments to Dave late last night, my own history and feelings and experiences, and in my recovery from alcoholism, dependency, and shyness.
I haven't heard anything else yet concerning employment, and I am stopping any negative projections about it. These things take time, and I am okay with that for now. I do expect some sort of response soon, and I will go from there. I could be spending my time still looking for other positions, but I'm not. However, I may motivate myself to do that too, later. I will scan myself for my resistances to keep looking, and experience how it fits with my shyness recovery principles, and go from there. Nothing is scheduled for today yet, so I am open to being myself by knowing and accepting myself better, and thereby growing out of the affects of my shyness symptoms.
Ciao
Rich
Replies
thanks rich. ..\"Everything about this is externally-directed to solve an internal belief that is wrong. The belief that we are inherently \"wrong\" is what is \"wrong\" with us. It is the belief that we, as co-dependents, are \"wrong\" that is what is really wrong. We\'re not! Being ourselves IS NOT wrong; trying to be \"anyone-to-be-acceptable-but-ourselves\" IS wrong.\". Very True.
Not so sure about this. \"Another alcoholic put it this way: Everyone I met in Alcoholics Anonymous was pathologically shy.\"...Mmm, not sure how many this alcoholic has but I have attended thousands of meetings. I have met and heard many shares. Many individuals I have listened to and have met have shown traits of extroverts and others introverts. Yes many have talked about there shyness. In general most shares have spoken about how they felt they didnt know who they were when they stopped drinking. I can relate to that for sure. I had no self concept NOR any beliefs (self) due to my low (to say the least) esteem and my ability to look externally for either validation or comparison (s).
Today my problem isnt over drinking its ..over thinking. To compensate I need to lessen the thinking and heighten the faith and trust in the unknown and..uncertainty. As a side note Ive been reading pemma chodrons book The Wisdom of No Escape: How to love yourself and your world. Very good book. A quote from an Amazon reviewer exploring my inner world and helped me to see that wherever I\'m at in life is okay--I don\'t have to struggle against the process of Life.
Yep, I feel we\'re on the right track: focusing more and more on what\'s going on inside and not at the same time blaming it on anything external. There\'s no \"trick\" to it, except learning that being ourselves as we are is acceptable, finally, to ourselves. No more trying to get or be better for someone else\'s needs.
I feel another habit I\'m breaking is focusing only on the negatives of who I might be, as though I have no positive or useful qualities. I feel that is a co-dependent habit, the constant search for how we may be better, or even more ideal. I\'ve given up on trying to do that, just like I gave up drinking to solve any other problems about who I am. And I am feeling much better about myself when I interact with people.