The Shadow of Suicide
I live in the shadow of suicide, it's all I think about all day and night. I wish I could buy a gun and put a bullet in my brain. Life is so painful. I have so many bad memories that haunt me all day and even in my dreams. I wish I was dead so badly. I am asked why I haven't done it yet and I have no answer. I just keep going like a hamster on a wheel, never getting anywhere, just exhausting myself. I would love to be able to go into the hospital and still have a home to come to when I got out, But I'm not that lucky. If I go to the hospital I will miss work and therefore be homeless when I get out. The hospital didn't help me last time I was there anyway. And I ended up homeless for weeks till I could go back to work. I hate working so badly. It's utter hell. I envy those who don't have to work and still have a place to live. I wish I could put a bullet in my brain and end this torture. I've said all this so many times before, when will it end?
Replies
I think this way alot. Do you see a therapist for these bad memories? I know life can be so painful and so hard to bare. But God has a plan for you. You may not think he cares but he does. He is with you all the time.. Can you get a different psychiatrist as the one you have doesn\'t seem to know the pain and despair you are going through and that you are suicidal. I don\'t think she takes you seriously or you really need to talk to her about what you wrote in your journal. Maybe if
you got a social worker she could help you with your destructive feelings and help you with having a place to stay until you are well. Maybe the hospital is run different now and would be of more help to you.
Maybe if you got a social worker and explained all these feelings she could help you and you could feel better. I am worried some day you may follow through with ending your life. You are so valued and helpful on here in the groups. You are cared about. Please take some action and help yourself. You deserve it. There is another solution to this. Please reach out. Comforting hugs
Been Bi-Polar all my life. Depression is anger, and doesn\'t give a hoot for reason. Tells logic and reason to stand down. Depression doesn\'t want, it demands. Doesn\'t give a hang about that transformation of consciousness that might transform the mind thus the pain. It only demands to escape....to get out now through the pain or manic action. It makes up a non existent bleak future and then says \"what\'s the use?\" I found the only way to make contact with this overwhelming rebellious instinct is by acknowledging its reality. It is a real power within the person. Acknowledge it and add to it every ounce of understanding you can give it. I sure as \'hell\' hope and pray these words help reconnect you with the brighter aspect of your psyche. I have my conscious self on the pulse of this pain inside me every day and regulate it accordingly along the mental and emotional paths I spoke of inside my head and heart. Be well...May God bless you and protect you, planet-side and beyond.
I think it is a matter of priorities. At this point I think you need to be seen by a professional. There is a lot to life and it has a lot to offer. You are lost right now. You need to seek help.
Stay strong my new friend I am here for you when ever you need to talk, Hugs
Been there many times Heretic, but we\'re still here, you and I. I don\'t have any magical answer, except for taking things one step at a time. Practice living for this moment. Concentrate on doing your job to the best of your ability, and if you do that, losing a job isn\'t as scary because you\'ll know you\'re a hard worker and can always get another job. I have a step 2 for you, but I can\'t tell you now, because it is \"One step at a time\".
I\'m your friend in the battle.