The Second Year
People told me the second year would be harder than the first year. I don't know if I can say it is worse but it's pretty bad, in different ways. It is just that sense of "Oh...it's going to be this way now."
The close friends and family members that distanced themselves from me have kept their distance. I guess I thought once things "settled" a bit, I would hear more from them, but that hasn't happened. Cassi's closest friends are still distant. I guess I just expected that the pain from losing Cassi was bad enough so that everything else would work itself out after some time.
It's just a sense of acceptance, giving up the fight. I can't explain what I was fighting for so long, reality, I guess...to no avail of course, but there was some sense of purpose in the fight.
Sometimes I feel like I am losing my damn mind...and to make it even worse, THAT seems like the most sensible thing to do! Just let it go...it is what I would expect from anyone who had to bury their own child... the love of their life who suffered so much she chose to end her own life, who ran out of hope.
I made it through the first year, got past all the "firsts", and now it's just "What now??? Is THIS all there is???" If it is, I simply have to endure. I have no choice. I always thought if I ever lost Cassi I would take my own life because it would be more pain than I could bear, but bear it I have. It has truly enlightened me...the pain that Cassi was in was worse than anything even I have felt, because I have survived. I hope God has a reason for keeping me around. I might not find much happiness in this life anymore, and I am okay with that. I just hope I can find the purpose, I hope there IS a purpose. I believe if I could be of service, to God, to others, at least I might find some peace. Some peace would be nice...Maybe in year 3??
The close friends and family members that distanced themselves from me have kept their distance. I guess I thought once things "settled" a bit, I would hear more from them, but that hasn't happened. Cassi's closest friends are still distant. I guess I just expected that the pain from losing Cassi was bad enough so that everything else would work itself out after some time.
It's just a sense of acceptance, giving up the fight. I can't explain what I was fighting for so long, reality, I guess...to no avail of course, but there was some sense of purpose in the fight.
Sometimes I feel like I am losing my damn mind...and to make it even worse, THAT seems like the most sensible thing to do! Just let it go...it is what I would expect from anyone who had to bury their own child... the love of their life who suffered so much she chose to end her own life, who ran out of hope.
I made it through the first year, got past all the "firsts", and now it's just "What now??? Is THIS all there is???" If it is, I simply have to endure. I have no choice. I always thought if I ever lost Cassi I would take my own life because it would be more pain than I could bear, but bear it I have. It has truly enlightened me...the pain that Cassi was in was worse than anything even I have felt, because I have survived. I hope God has a reason for keeping me around. I might not find much happiness in this life anymore, and I am okay with that. I just hope I can find the purpose, I hope there IS a purpose. I believe if I could be of service, to God, to others, at least I might find some peace. Some peace would be nice...Maybe in year 3??
Replies
We do keep changing. This path is strewn with rocks, climbing over them is just exhausting. Grief is. But the years ease us in. Laughter comes back, all by itself, so happy to make fun of life again. Hang in there Kiddo, you\'ve got what it takes. I\'m almost six years down the path. Still trucking. Love, abby
Yes it is amazing that we do still endure as we have no choice. I agree with you on that. Finding purpose and some peace is now my goal. With you in this journey. Hugs, Kathy
This past September marked four years, since my son died. I find that I am still in denial some of the time. I just try not to think about it and then it wont be true. Like you, I feel like I lost my mind, the day he died.
I wish peace for both of us and all of our soth!!
Each year I thought would be a little easier but it did not get easier until this year for me, year six. The first year I was numb and in shock, the second year was horrendous, the third and fourth I was able to peek at the light - at times. Holidays, angelversaries and birthdays are still hard or when I know he would be here for me when I needed, as in when his dad had surgery. I am now just starting to live for me (as soon as this foot heals.) I know his has been a long, long journey and my hope is to help those just beginning it.
Sending love,
Leda
Oh Dear Gina. I remember also when people would tell me that the 2nd year was the hardest. For me, the first was the hardest. I think that I grieved so much that first year and also had to go to work every day that I learned so much in one year time. Not sure how to explain. Working had a lot to do with it. Like, putting one step in front of the other because I had no choice to do otherwise. The 2nd year was very hard as well but in different ways. But by then, I had learned that every time I went outside from work to sit on the \"wall\" and cry, I would go back in with a fake smile on my face to do my job. I can honestly say that the 3rd year got much gentler. I quickly learned how the despair would ease. They were like ebbs and tides. But it is different for everyone. A dear friend of mine just recently told me that this 7th year has been her worst. There are no timelines, no gauges, and circumstances are different for everyone.
I will pray for you to see a purpose for your life..I can tell you that helping others made all the difference for me. It did not touch the pain, but it has given me a new focus.. Lauri
It is an unpredictable journey we are on. I don\'t think there was much difference for me. Both the first and second year were horrendous. I did crossword puzzles to help me focus on something other than the searing pain. I kept doing stuff e.g. participating in my community committee and worked for awhile to have some normalcy. I think I was a hindrance at meetings rather than help. I will always be grateful for the patience of my friends. They let me be me and never questioned the fact that I did nothing.
Resurfacing was a long slow process. I have carved out a life that has balance - more or less. I keep busy and enjoy life. But I still shed tears almost every day, and I always will. I will never be the same person but I do have a good life.
Is there really a better year? I don\'t know. I guess it is better because I can \'Live, laugh, love\" (Lisa\'s favourite saying). But the missing, and longing will always be there. We learn to live with it and try to honor our children by living a life they would want for us.
I wish I could make it better for you. All I can do is understand and care.
Love and tight hugs, Marlene
I\'m with you Gina - this is my second year and I absolutely find it to be the worst yet. You are so right on when you say - \"this is it\"......doesn\'t give us much comfort or peace does it?
I initially began helping @ church that first year because I thought that was what I supposed to do - keep going - right? I ended up stopping all volunteer work and that\'s where it remains today. Just this past Saturday for 2 hours I helped bag up groceries for the homeless - felt good knowing there was a purpose and helping others who don\'t have a home. I am going to start venturing out slowly to find \"my purpose\"......there has to be one to honor my daughter (if only in my heart) - others don\'t have to know.
I\'m sorry, Gina you are on this journey but GRATEFUL you are on this journey with me. (((((hugs)))) Vicki
Each year brings with it a heartache that is felt in the marrow of our cells. As the others have said there are no time lines and all that I can say is that for me living with acute grief could not be handled by me for a lifetime. It had to change and morph into something that I could carry while I was still earth side and it has. Not sure how, why or when it came, yet about year three for me I began to feel Joanie once again and not just a wounded shell of a woman.
You are helping by BEing here, Gina, and sometimes that is the best that we can do for now and it is enough... More than enough...
Gentle care as you continue to heal and know that you are not alone on this path back to ourselves and our lives. That is how it has felt for me. I\'m rediscovering Joanie once again because I am forever changed as are each of us that find ourselves here, now, on FMO. You will find Gina too one moment and day at a time.
Loving care,
XO Joanie
Oh Gina, seriously the second year just barley passed, has and was hard. You are correct about close friends and family. Most of my family doesn\'t want to talk about it and my ENTIRE address book has changed. I do so love my new address book though. FMO, church members. and new moms in my area that have lost children. I feel much the way you do, what is my purpose \"now\"? I am becoming involved with a nonprofit to help fight heroin in the area, we have lost 90 kids this year in out county alone. I really hope I can lend something anything to this cause. You are in my thoughts and prayers as we move forward in this journey. Sending love and light to you from rainy Georgia..
Cindy
My 2nd and 3rd year was really bad the 4th year was bad but not has bad as the previous years. Time comes and goes as does the mile stones. Old friends are distant family has its own thing to do. We are here for each other Thank Goodness. Each of us do a different level of grief in different times along our journey, I do not see the world the same. I am guarded and withdrawn this time of year in December Mike will have his 7th Angel date, it is not easy but neither as devastating as the 1st 4 or 5 Angel dates.
Hang in there
Hugs Penny