The roller coaster again

  Yes, Wednesday and Thursday were wonderful; I was full of energy and got a lot of things done. Friday I ran out of energy, but didn't feel bad. Saturday....it all comes back, including a seizure. So I try to do my strategy: accept and give my body what it needs, but at the same time, fighting off the downward spiral into the mental hellpit. That's the hardest, because all the physical stuff just beats you down. And during bad episodes, I find that mentally, every little thing becomes a huge mountain of stress and guilt. The clutter and cleaning that needs seeing to, which I can live with when I'm feeling normal, suddenly becomes huge obstacles that are MY fault and I'm supposed to do something about them, but I feel so s**tty. And my daughter- I can't help but keep pushing her away when I feel bad; I don't want her around because I have no patience or tolerance, and the last thing I need is someone needing something from me, or having to think about what time is it has she eaten lunch what did she eat is it time to go to bed etc. So when she's around and I feel like s**t, I push her away otherwise I'll end up snapping and yelling at her for just being a nine-year-old.    Yet again, I wonder how much of this is psychological. I know that there are plain old Bad Days when I just have to stay in bed and ride it out. But on those days that are not SO bad physically, but are MENTALLY rocky, like I said, I wonder how much of it is directly caused by menopause (like if you eat something that's gone bad so you throw up), and how much is indirectly caused by you feeling s**tty and helpless and alone and powerless (like when you SEE something disgusting and THAT makes you throw up).   I'm trying to get L to go over to a friend's house so I can have a good cry. I wish I had some friends I could call and get some sympathy from.   No, I have to fight it. I do need a cry, but I can't go around feeling sorry for myself that I feel bad and there's no one who can give me some emotional propping up. Like I have to not think about how much I need to get OUT of the house but I can't because L is here and we can't go out by ourselves (because of the epilepsy), so we're stuck. Again.   J's financal situation finally eased up a little, so we're planning two days and one night in San Diego later on this week. I can't begin to say how desperately both he and I need it. We were'nt able to swing going to TX  this summer (which is personally a good thing for me- that trip basically consists of 9 days sitting in my mother-in-law's house watching her go through her mail and having to discuss domestic subjects with her because that's all she'll talk about with me. And I can't say anything that might hurt her feelings, which limits the conversation to whether Dillard's is having a sale on curtains, etc.) Anyway, so we are getting away for those two days. And I'm crossing my fingers that I don't get any Bad Episodes while we're there.  Things ARE getting better. I have to keep saying that to myself. My Bad Episodes are not nearly as frequent and as bad as they were 2 1/2 years ago; it's just that the improvement is SLOW....I have to be patient. Things are at least getting better.   Thanks again for all of you who care about me and check up on me and leave comments. I'm particularly grateful because, besides my husband, you ladies are all I have.   Thanks again for being there for me. I hope that I return the favor enough.