the rest of the day
later on in the day, after my Good Morning journal, I found myself growing angry. I had a good therapy session and then I went
out to do monastery errands. While I was driving I got angry, I’m tired of serving others here every day.
I started feeling some passions I wish I didn’thave. I wanted to express what I was angry about but I couldn't.
It seemed unfair and indulgent and nasty. I just had to deal with the fact that I was angry. I was already angry initially and then I experienced something that made my anger peak.
I was grateful I had my therapist to write it out to - and I decided to cut the edge of it that I’ll view it with humor. The anger stayed
and I apologized to my therapist - because I know we all must get angry with the jobs we have to do.
The responsibilities we have and the situations we find ourselves in. But the anger I had was a reality.
It stayed wtih me.
Everyone gets angry I thought.
That thought made me try and be self responsible about it.
I think I’m starting to realize that people here at the monastery and in life sometimes keep on the edge of their anger only
to be ready to release it on anyone who makes a mistake, I can see the pattern elsewhere too - rather than deal with themselves,
They find a whipping boy and or a scape goat to always 'get it' .. not good.
But I will say for me that the anger becomes like the self responsible boundary.
A boundary that reminds me 'I'm here' - a kind of affirmation of my responsible self, and respect for
and the need to keep on our work and manage our own agency for when it's time to create our own way in life.
I’m trying to lighten up and the anger kind of has said to me 'you can find a life on your own now.'
The thoughts of wanting to self propel and make a life for myself out there which then led me to this next realization.
I think I've realized I still think at times the way I would like to transition out of the monastery in kind of a fantasy
best most nourishing way..
But this kind of self responsibility and affirmation boundary that the anger is instilling and is showing
me that I have to deal with the transition as I can make it. There will be anger but there will be the reward of
ownership!
We all fantasize about the way we would like things to be.
We all fantasize about the way we would like things to be.
But we either have partners or friends who indulge us in that -
or we just have make it ourselves.
I came back to my room before the last service tonight.
I was tired and felt it was respectfully and well earned.
I was tired and felt it was respectfully and well earned.
I am here with Blue - who is the most awesome wingman!
I got him a new water fountain for drinking for him
that I am going to set up for him tonight.
That and another creative project, I'll do and then hit the sack.
good night!
Replies
You managed your anger today! Believe me, that's something to be proud of.
I have anger issues- they were much worse when I was younger.
A wise person once told me, "People are Created with feelings, emotions. And it's okay to have them!
It's okay to feel anger. What you Do with that anger, makes the difference."
I learned three things to help with my own anger.
1. Draw a mental line I will not cross. Things Not to do and say.
2. Replace the dangerous words and reactions with better ones.
3. Distance myself from my triggers until I am calm.
We're kinda stuck, you know, because we can't change the behavior of Others. Even when they're in the wrong..
We can only change ourselves.
Boy, I kinda wandered in this comment, didn't I? Sorry, Mark.
I guess living in the monastery is a little like marriage. Some days it's great, and some days it's not.
for my psycho nickel, anger is the most tiring emotion in my human repertoire. anger management takes more out of my physical reserves than the most demanding of my farm chores.
i call my dreams of the perfect life, "escape fantasies." when the grinds of my current day have gotten the better of me, a fanciful daydream about a better way can be refreshing. saint francis asisi's hermit life in the woods is among my faves.
then i get back to that confusing time between naps, aka reality. dumping my current life is probably not going to lead me to saint francis' cave.
thanks GT and Arfie!! You guys are great! I went down to chapel today to serve. For some reason I was totally unfocused throughout service..
Seriously like just a feeling being with no mind at all. I got through the service but I didn't do it so well.
One of the nuns came to talk to me about it. She gave me a couple of books for my journey with doing liturgy.
But I have to say, which I just realized, one thing that struck me is that I felt I needed come back to my room
and mentally churn away 'at finding out what the issue was and to learn about it' - ....aka create a wisdom.
Right now I think I am realizing that's just the way I deal with the hurt and disappointment. So I don't really need
to churn away - 'my mentality and my being' aren't a mystery that need some 'answer' outside of recognizing that
I just wasn't up to an A + delivery. I was bummed. Right now I think I'll make some tea or get a coffee.
Next up is looking for work and reading these books. I know I have aptitude for somethings -and heck
I guess I am just a mediocre country priest. LOL There's been those folks before and will be after me! :)
this is teaching me to consider the idea of 'what do I expect from myself, what can I expect of myself"
I guess I can see that I always hope for stellar performances - but disappointing myself
is reality and do I expect mediocrity? or just know that some days are gonna be better than others?
How I am handling my money in real life is also something that I can look at as 'something to expect
of myself.' I have in the past been very 'otherworldly' about money or excruciatingly abstemious.
but framing it in 'what do I expect of myself' gives me a kind of humanity. I don't have the words
to say why. Perhaps it gives me a sense of agency/power and not just unbridled feelings and appetite.
I love how Arfie talked about wanting a different life.
I was so 'there' this morning, wincing at the nuns' comments and bitchiness
with me. I felt so variable and just a feeling being and no mind today that I thought I have no
idea what I could possibly do - and that this place is a saving grace for me - so it's nuanced
or textured - as Arfie said - it's that way for everyone most likely.
I feel like in thinking what to expect from myself , the idea of also creating some personal ‘shoulds’ that I design is something to think about. It gives me choice and a vantage to see the way I am handling things.
I sure do deep dive. I’m exhausted and I have chores to do. Haste la byebye
Thanks for indulging me you guys:
The idea of personal shoulds gives me choice and a vantage to see the way I am handling things. But then I also fight my nature and it’s not healthy. I am extremely tired now and I have to go forward with what’s good for my mind and body. Shoulds separate me from this and I freeze I place. I need structure like a student and maybe by that I can keep motivated and on track.
definitely wished i belonged to a gym today. I would love to exercise and take a steam bath.
Things are good..are ok
I’m realizing sometimes the expectations I have for myself aren’t fair…or achievable but I’m learning to mitigate that and change my approach to things or be mindful about them