The Recovery
The last two days are breakdowns for me. I feel I did not pray enough to help him through his pain. Maybe I didin't pray enough for him to live or for his pain. Why didn't I not pray more. Why did I not give more for Ken why was I dedicated more to God. I am so sorry God. I am so sorry Ken why didn't I pray harder. Please forgive me my son. I love you so much. Mom
Replies
Sandi ~
You are NOT to blame for Ken\'s death. Every single person who walks on this earth must leave it sometime. It\'s hard or impossible for us to understand the whys and wherefores of who goes when and why. It just is. There is nothing for Ken to forgive. You both embody love ~ God\'s love ~ and that is all there is to it! Ken loves you unconditionally, just as you love him.
Please forgive yourself; love yourself and be gentle on yourself. You deserve it!
Sending love and big hugs of comfort ~ hope your back is beginning to feel a bit better ~ Debbie
My dear I went through those exact same thoughts in regards to my mother and father, my son and others why oh why? I finally realized WHY so that i could move forward that does not mean forget it means showing THEM that love is many sides of emotional strength but most all that love allows each and every one us this space called GRIEF, a part of growing... take care
Dear Sandi. My heart goes out to you. There is nothing we could have done to change the outcomes. I think we all have those feelings - if only - I should have - why didn\'t I? The grim reality is we did the best we could at the time. Our children knew that we loved them. If it is our time to go, we go. If it isn\'t, we don\'t.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
I think we all feel we didn\'t do enough - it\'s just a natural part of being a mother and trying to protect our children, come what may. If prayer was the only answer all our children would be living - but sometimes it\'s just all out of our control. I do believe that God, a higher power however you conceive of it, weeps as we do. Take care ~ Joanna
Cycling through these feelings is always so filled with pain, regret and guilt. I know there is not a mother on this planet that has not felt this way over losing our children as we did.
I consider these thoughts to be visitors and I can invite them to stay or to go. If they are not serving me and taking me out of this moment they need to be shown the door. This is the most challenging path that we each have been given and I too think that one is recovering and not feeling well that we are very vulnerable to think that we may need to have these visitors stay.
Please feel all that you need to yet know that this has nothing to do with how hard you prayed or didn\'t pray. Sometimes when we pray we do get an answer and it\'s one that we don\'t want... the answer is \"No\" for reasons that with our earthly eyes we will never be able to comprehend.
I\'m so sorry Sandi and hope today is a more nurturing day for your heavy heart.
Loving care!
Joanie
I have always heard that \"God is in control\"......and I do not believe...even after it appears my son took his own life by some dark impulse..or maybe even murdered...that I could have known to pray \"Please Lord, do not allow Brandon to kill himself\"...or I would have.....you knew your son was dying and PRAYED as any mother would fervently and passionately...and both outcomes were the same.. I prayed that I would never outlive any of my children....that they would be safe and that God would protect them....Brandon and Ken had an appointed time and nothing could have changed that course.....I truly believe what the bible says about our \" appointed times\"....Life is all about dying....\"To live is Christ...to die is gain\" as the Apostle Paul said. Our sons GAINED HEAVEN. Both of them would never come back here even if given a choice. But, as King David said after his firstborn with Bathsheba died...\"My son cannot come back but I can go to him.\" That is the hope we have and the promise of resurrection...the reason we should be celebrating this season of Lent....the crucifixion and the resurrection. Death has been defeated through Jesus Christ.
God knows our hearts and He knew that as mothers we would never let go of our children no matter what.....as He never lets go. He knows a mother\'s heart is for her child to live. Well, our children ARE ALIVE and we will join them....hold to that promise. Don\'t let Satan have a field day with your emotions...fight back with the name of Jesus..TLC...dale, brandon\'s mom
I believe once God has made up his mind nothing will change it. Nothing you or I can do to change fate. This is all part of a mothers journey through grief. It is a B%#@, we will endure a never ending pain of loss. Keep your chin up if only for the grandkids, teach them about Ken this will keep his memory alive long after you have joined him in heaven,
big bear hug, Penny
Thanks for the encouragement. Love Sandi
Sandi, I am also sending you a warm tight hug with hope for peace of mind. I just read all the wise words from these great moms and they just about said it all. You, my friend, have also shared your wisdom with us on many occasions. This is one reason that I love this group so much. We nurture and support each other in dark times and in light times. There is just so much understanding in thoughts, feeling and emotion. I pray that your days ahead become lighter with both physical and emotional healing. With love and tight hugs, Diane
I\'ve learned prayers are answered in many ways and in God\'s time frame not ours. Sometimes we just have to pray to be patient and to be comforted to endure what comes our way. I think you did enough. Love to you. Robin
Sandi you must not torture yourself like this. The amount of prayers or length of prayers is not impressive to God. What is important is what is in your heart. The sincerity of your prayer. God knows what is in your heart without you having to say anything. Sending you love and hugs for healing. Terry
I often blame myself, too. But nothing changes the time of our passings. My mother believed this as do I. Dear Sandi, love yourself and treat yourself kindly, we would have moved heaven and earth to keep our children with us till we died. It was not to be. Love, Abby
So much love and wisdom from all of you even though your pain is there too. Thanks for reaching out to me. Went to church today my first real outing. I feel bad I can not go as I wish this week as we have two weeks full of birthdays including mine. Guess we will have to hold on me getting around seeing everyone. Much love to each of you . Sandi