The record keeps skipping

I have lived this lie before.  The one where you swear you love me then when I need you most you say you can't live this way.  My heart is numb from the pain.  I need to know but at the same time I don't want to know.  Knowing makes it final and I can't take it anymore.  Do you think it's easy knowing you are virtually unlovable? Do you think it is easy to go through life not knowing what to expect.  Do you think I have chosen this life?
Now maybe you can understand why I often dream of death and the sweet relief it would bring.  I know what I am and it hurts and I'm tired of being me.