The Real World
Something my ma said during an argument stuck in my mind. I can disprove everthing else she said (It's hard to take a screaming woman spouting shaming nonsense seriously)
"You need to keep your emotions under control. In the real world, worse things will happen."
Right. I honestly think that I'll keep my emotions and deal with whatever this omnipresent "real world" can offer. I don't really want to live a life in denial like they have. Those words, coming from her, reek of an easy way to dismiss the fact that I'm your ****ing kid and I'm allowed to be a human with emotional problems.
The words in the context of when they were said are easy to let go of, but I know that knowledge can come from even idiots. And I'm still insecure about those stupid words. "The Real World" It's the perfect leverage for parents to make kids do what they want. But, still.... what do you think?
Replies
Mm. Well, yes, the "real world" threat has been used for hundreds of years by parents. I would pose the theory that you ARE, in fact, experiencing the real world right now. To me, the comment is meant to shut down what you are feeling right now and minimize it. Yes, life has challenges all throughout it, but to suggest that you are not currently in the "real world" is to negate the challenges you are facing now and somehow suggest that the coming challenges will be worse. You are living with dysfunctional parents and trying to handle a chronic disease, all while being under the age of 18. I would suggest that is pretty real. Adulthood does bring it's own set of challenges, but it also comes with a higher capacity to address them. The prefrontal cortex of the brain does not develop fully until one reaches about 25. So, the area in charge of good judgement and clear decision making is not fully on board yet. Not that it gives young people an excuse to act all wild, but it does give some context as to why older people handle situations differently. Hold tight, dear one.
I agree with triunfadora. As far as keeping emotions under control, there is some credence to that. For example, if we women want to be taken seriously in the workplace, we can't just fly off the handle or cry in front of our boss or co-workers (because what's ok for men still isn't ok for women in this society). That said, "controlling" our emotions, in terms of stuffing, denying, etc. is extremely unhealthy. There are healthy ways to be aware of, acknowledge, express & release our emotions. And technically, that might take some 'control,' but I seriously doubt that's what your mom was talking about. As a new friend, I only quickly scanned your fixing them journal. My take, based solely on what I've read so far, is that your parents are seriously dysfunctional.
The very sad thing is that we now know that what you're experiencing can and does affect how your brain grows and matures which can make it harder to keep emotions "under control." For example, just witnessing abuse cause cause the hippocampus part of the brain to shrink as much as 20%. Being in a toxic dysfunctional environment cause cause us to not be able to see all of the options available to us. It can also cause post traumatic stress, anxiety, depression and other serious issues. (BTW, these effects are reversible with the proper therapy modality.)
In this case it sounds like your mom is basically saying "Do as I say, not as I do." She, as the adult, is responsible for her behavior. You are responsible for how she acts or fixing her. All you can do is to take good care of yourself as best you can. Do you have a therapist? If so, your therapist should be teaching you coping skills and that its ok (and preferable) to trust your inner knowing.
Other things you can do are to take good care of yourself. Eat well, try to get plenty of sleep. Go for walks outside. Meditate. There's lots of stuff on the net about meditation. Even just going for a walk outside and focusing on what's around you is a form of meditation. You can even practice 'mindfulness' which is being present in each moment. For example, while washing your hands, be very aware of how the running water feels on your hands, how the soap smells, the temperature of the water & how the towel feels as you're drying them.
Create a set of positive affirmations to say silently to yourself. For example, I am smart. I am perfect just the way I am. I'm am lovable. I have a right to have and feel my emotions. It's best to practice them while looking at yourself in the mirror. The more you practice, the better because, then when the s**t hits the fan w/your parents, you can then silently say them to yourself before, during and after.
Are you in process of forming a plan of what you are going to do after you graduate? If not, it's never too soon to be researching this stuff.
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. Sending you lots of healing hugs....
You are wise beyond your years. At this time, you are living 'your reality' and are not in denial. I think your Mother is coming from 'her perspective' as she has lived through experiences in her life.
Its good you question and it's even better you rethink what you are feeling needs to be understood a bit better, meaning not just blowing off due to the delivery 'yelling'.
I never got/understood the message of my Mother's words "I'm doing the best I can" especially when I was your age...as a parent now, I do understand those words....they come from a place of not knowing what to do, and yet at the same time trying to protect and to teach.